Admittedly, I don’t know a whole lot about Mark Driscoll. I’m a little familiar with Mars Hill church. I know people that I’ve met face-to-face who have attended Mars Hill and confirm that there is, indeed, reason to heed the warnings in the stories of people who have been scorned by this church.

The issue at hand is the disciplinary contract handed down for a church member to sign. A man who sinned (and which one of us hasn’t?) and who repented.  But in this church culture pastored and led by Driscoll, the man was issued a contract and when he prayed and thought it over and decided it might not be a good thing to sign, the church furthered their “discipline” by posting a letter instructing other members to stay far, far away from this man.

Part 1
Part 2

I was once a woman under “church discipline” and it’s hard for me, at this point, to say I’ve fully recovered.  Enough time has went by, I’ve analyzed it ad nauseam, I’ve gleaned lessons, and moved forward. Or so I thought.

Until I read something like this and all the pain bubbles back up.

Don’t misunderstand. I’m not sitting here in a ball rocking back and forth and drooling.  It’s just that when I hear about things like this I hurt for the other soul that is being split apart over this ridiculous behavior being touted as “Biblical.”

Yes, I understand that sin has to be addressed, I understand that fully.  Who, though, is addressing Mark Driscoll’s sin?  How about the sin of his leaders?

And did they not read the passages that came before their outline for Biblical discipline?

Where is the grace? The forgiveness?

The love?

I’ve been in the place of this man, though I felt a little more like Job. I hadn’t sinned and ashes and coals were being heaped on my head.  Maybe I felt more like Joseph, accused of wrongdoing and imprisoned and forgotten.  What I know is the Senior Pastor of the church I called home set out to take me down in a very witch-hunt-like way.  The meetings. Oh the meetings.  Everyone got to speak and throw accusations and look down upon me and judge me. I was an unbiblical wife. I was a heretic.  I needed to keep my mouth shut and learn in silence. I should quit writing because God doesn’t call women to write.  And two notebook pages full of garbage like this. They told me I couldn’t serve in their church any longer in any capacity. They banged their hands on tables and shouted when my husband told them we weren’t going to respond to their accusations, that we were going to go home and filter everything through the Word of God and through prayer and we’d respond at a later date, after much prayer.

And I knew we didn’t belong there.  In my heart, in my spirit, I knew these people were wrong.  My husband knew, too.  We left. They called us back to schedule more meetings, we declined. They told us we had to respond to their accusations and called almost weekly. And the emails. And more phone calls. And Lord only knows what was said through the gossip train known as the prayer chain.

Months went by and calls were still coming in.  Would we come in front of the congregation to tell them how the pastor had lied? (no. I don’t want any part of taking a pastor down. He’s your pastor, you deal with him. He, along with you, are why we left.)

Then a few months later another call. Would I come back to teach the leadership team how to lead.

Really. This happened.

I learned big time lessons from what I had to endure.

Repeatedly, I heard from my (former) pastor that Satan’s plot in the conflict was confusion. He said it was ironic that just about the time God was going to do an “explosive work” at that church, conflict occurs. He said the devil wanted to make a turn in the road. The (former) pastor told me all about Satan and what Satan wanted and how Satan worked. I never once heard from him about how God was working. I find that disturbing and sad. 

He also said, “This [situation,] given proper patience, prayer, and submission, will become a blemish in history not a turn in the road the devil wants to make it.”

Satan deserves no glory. There is One and only One who deserves recognition. The Lord my God.

I trusted someone else’s direction for my life (the pastor’s) instead of trusting Christ. God was trying to show me that I didn’t belong in the position the pastor appointed me. I thought Satan was trying to discourage me from being involved in women’s ministry at that church because Satan doesn’t like ministry. Sounds logical enough. It did at the time, anyway. I’ve learned that God was trying to get my attention by not furthering the ministry. I couldn’t hear Him, though, because I was too busy focusing on what the pastor was saying and by giving Satan glory.

I allowed myself to be deceived into believing that people who go to church know what God wants. I thought God must want me in women’s ministry if His shepherd put me there. This one hurts the most. I blame no one except for myself. The pastor appointed me Director of Women’s Ministry and I grabbed the job and ran with all my might. That is not what God had for me. And instead of asking Him, I just assumed that His shepherd knew what He was doing. Oh how foolish of me!!

I thought that God’s people should approve of God’s call on my life. Now this was just stupid of me to believe. I look back and think that if I’d only have paid attention to (for example) the story of Moses, I’d see that God’s people don’t always know or approve of what God wants.

I thought others should understand what God was asking of me and I thought it was my job to make them understand. Again, stupid. See Moses again.

I’m still learning from this conflict. I questioned God when it first started, but now I’m finding joy in the trial. I’d rather focus on the fact that God is testing my faith to discover what is in my heart and to increase the measure of faith He gave me, to give me endurance so that His work might be complete in me.

I pray that anyone and everyone who has been hurt by a pastor or a church will take the focus off the people and put it all on God. He will redeem you.

 

 

Giving away a copy of the Common English Bible. Don’t forget to comment to be entered!!

 

Yep. I missed posting last week.  But I didn’t skip reading.  Today was day 23 for me…and y’know, the experts say it takes 21 days to form a habit, so hopefully I can carry on with this new-again habit.

So far, I’ve only run across one thing in my reading of the Common English Bible that has given me pause.  It was today, actually, in Genesis and the telling of Jacob wrestling with God.

^{Chapter 32: 22} Jacob got up during the night, took his two wives, his two women servants, and his eleven sons, and crossed the Jabbok River’s shallow water. ²³ He took them and everything that belonged to him, and he helped them cross the river. ²⁴ But Jacob stayed apart by himself, and a man wrestled with him until dawn broke. ²⁵ When the man saw that he couldn’t defeat Jacob, he grabbed Jacob’s thigh and tore a muscle in Jacob’s thigh as he wrestled with him. ²⁶ The man said, “Let me go because the dawn is breaking.”

But Jacob said, “I won’t let you go until you bless me.”

²⁷ He said to Jacob, “What’s your name?” and he said, “Jacob.” ²⁸ Then he said, “Your name won’t be Jacob any longer, but Israel, because you struggled with God and with men and won.”

²⁹ Jacob also asked and said, “Tell me your name.”

But he said, “Why do you ask for my name?” and he blessed Jacob there. ³⁰ Jacob named the place Peniel, “because I’ve seen God face-to-face, and my life has been saved.” ³¹ The sun rose as Jacob passed Penuel, limping because of his thigh. ³²Therefore, Israelites don’t eat the tendon attached to the thigh muscle to this day, because he grabbed Jacob’s thigh muscle at the tendon. (emphasis mine)

 

I stopped reading and had to re-read (and this is the first time I’ve had to do that in this version) because it said Jacob wrestled with a man. And it kept saying man and almost across the board this passage usually says something about an Angel of God.  But in verse 30 Jacob says he has seen God face-to-face, so all’s well.  It just gave me a little jolt to see the passage written this way.

* * *

Comment and tell me your preferred version of the Bible. I’ll pick a random reader (one per week) and the people behind the CEB will send you one.  If you’ve never had a Bible and would  like to start with this one, let me know in the comments and you’ll automatically be the chosen one

Some would say, “It has been brought to my attention…”

Me, though? I’d say I was called out.

This is where most of the problem begins, I think.   I’m pretty rough around the edges. Blunt. Bold. And what other people do or say rarely affects me.   Unless the person is in my inner circle or someone I admire and trust and respect. If you’re one of those people in my life, you know it takes a lot for me to respect and admire anyone. My general opinion is we’re all human, we’re all faulty, I’m not star-struck, I don’t collect autographs, we put our pants on one leg at a time…you get it.  But if you’re my husband and you tell me that I might have dropped the f-bomb one too many times in dealing with that person or if you’re my pastor and you ask that I be more responsible with what I post about on social media outlets and if you’re my son and you’re tickled that mom got in trouble

then I listen

But I also get a rock in my stomach because I struggle with the idea of legalism.  Shhhhh. Let me finish.

When you’re hurt deeply by people who hold you back, tell you what you can or cannot be, belittle your dreams, shut down your emotions, you don’t take kindly to authority of any kind.  And I know (know.know.know.) that my husband, son, and pastor are not out to hurt me, even unintentionally. I know this.

But knowing doesn’t stop the coping mechanism inside from bubbling to the surface and threatening to explode. Knowing does.not.stop.it.

There was an atheist residing in the mind, this body that rejected God in every way fathomable.  And the God Who Sees knelt down to her and promised His forearms would wrap around her and protect her.  I did not believe Him. I pushed Him over and (with much bad attitude) told Him all the reasons I couldn’t possibly believe.  Until one day, I can’t even name the day, but one day I believed what He said.

No sordid history on the men of my childhood and early adulthood who destroyed me.  I’m not going there, it’s ugly.  When I met Phil, I was certain there wasn’t a man on the planet that could be trusted. I pushed Phil around (uhm, figuratively and literally. once. in a Noah-sized flood) and emotionally shut him down. And I danced around trusting him for so long.  But then I did trust him. And I do trust him.

And a pastor, two, three. more. All of them.  Yes, all of the pastors I’ve encountered have devastated me. From telling me I’m going to hell for asking questions, to telling me I’d be an adultress forever, to lying very publicly about me and spreading vicious rumors–I have been trampled, my faith has been drug through the mud, by men of the cloth.  Except one pastor, who wasn’t my pastor, he was teaching leadership workshops when Phil and I met him.  He gave excellent advice and we could tell he truly lived out his faith. Now, years later, we attend the church he shepherds.

(do you see the pattern yet?)

(I had to come here to write this to begin to understand this.)

I see that first God restored my relationship with Him, He drew me close, even though I fought it.  I see that He gave me a husband I could trust, one who always loves and sacrifices for me. Then a son, a “little Holy Spirit” to put me in my place when I need it, and to comfort me when I can’t be consoled.  Now a pastor I can trust. (and I haven’t hit on the girl issues at all in this post.)

And recently…they’ve all brought the same basic issue up to me.

(in my own interpretation: I have a foul mouth and I run it without shame)

None of them said anything like this at all, they have all been very gentle with me. But when I swish it around the blender brain of mine…it boils down to choice of language, and my mind chooses this interpretation.

My first instinct is to shut them out.  Because I don’t need to change who I am or what I do or what I say or how I say it.

but that’s not true, is it?

As a child of God, a wife, a mother, a leader in our church…I do need to (first) be aware and (second) change if needed.

There are just some changes I am not good at.

So begins the hard stuff.

Failure piled on failure…

most years, when I set out to do a year-long Bible reading plan I fail.  That’s not to say I’ve never read through the whole Bible. I have, but it’s been a few years.  So this year with my One Word and with my renewed energy, I’m going to attempt to read through chronologically.

What’s different this time?  A Smartphone, a Common English Bible (CEB)  and the YouVersion.com app.  The app reminds me daily to read.  I’m review the Common English Bible and can go to my hard copy or read it on the YouVersion app.  And of course, my Smartphone is attached to me.  Which means I have no excuses.

So far, so good. I’m right on track. And so far, I like the Common English Bible. Wanna peak at some verse comparisons?

Would you like a softcover edition for yourself?

Comment and tell me your preferred version of the Bible. I’ll pick a random reader (one per week) and the people behind the CEB will send you one.  If you’ve never had a Bible and would  like to start with this one, let me know in the comments and you’ll automatically be the chosen one

You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16: 11

I’m not good at this grace thing. This charis.  In the Greek, charis is

…of the merciful kindness by which God, exerting his holy influence upon souls, turns them to Christ, keeps, strengthens, increases them in Christian faith, knowledge, affection, and kindles them to the exercise of the Christian virtues

and I get how He extends me grace. Well. Sort of.

I mean, I understand that his favor is unmerited. That I don’t deserve it, that I’m a sinner and that He’s holy and without Jesus’ sacrifice that gap between perfect and sin can’t be bridged.  I do comprehend that.

The continuation of grace though? That He would give me a plethora of second and eleventy-millionth chances to follow in his Holiness?   That’s what I don’t understand.  And that’s where I run into all of my problems.

 

For three years, I had the same word, “Simplify.”  Yes. Three years. Sometimes it takes me awhile to learn. Last year, it was “Believe.”  Now, 2012 comes with the word Grace.  I prayed for a word to focus on and didn’t really expect grace. It’ll be difficult to me and I already realize there will be super-duper-God-sized challenges.

I enter 2012 with trepidation because I know how embarrassingly grace-less I am.  I would like to try to blog about my experience this year, but I also realize that means admitting so much I won’t want care to expose in public.  So. yeah. Tough start to a new year.

 

My post, “A Time to Heal”  is up.
There’s quite a bit packed into this one little post. I surprised myself  with the words.

I call this my Jesus dream…though it was really as far from a dream and closer to reality than I’ve ever experienced.

I knew very little Jesus and the Bible at this time in my life.

Friday, May 14, 2004.

(3rd POV) Everything was blank-paper white. I was waiting in a very long, single-file line. I could see everyone in line. I was near the front. There was no sense of urgency or anxiety. No one was talking. Everyone was facing forward and not moving much at all. We all took one step forward when the first person in line entered the doorway. I was next.

I entered the doorway and everything was still blank white. I walked. I knew the way. Though everything was still blank white, without definition, I had to weave my way through a labyrinth of sorts. I couldn’t see with my eyes that there were turns, but as I was walking, I would just know to turn left, walk a couple of steps and turn left again and then a final left before turning right and an immediate left and I entered into color. I wasn’t just looking at or seeing colorful things, I was part of the color. Almost as if I was a particle in a sunset. I felt a sense of serenity, calm. I had arrived. I was looking around, the colors were spectacular and there was an energy in my body from experiencing this color. I could hear a distant waterfall to my left. The colors of the sunset were now gone and I seemed to be in some sort of tropical paradise. Flowing waterfall, river, flowers, beauty everywhere. I knew what I was there for. Even when I was waiting in line, I knew. But I didn’t know why.

(Switch to 1st POV) Then I sensed Him. He was leaning up against a tree with his head resting on His knees, sleeping. I walked slowly so as not to disturb Him. I was a couple of feet from Him when He opened His eyes. I fell to my knees and my arms were in front of me on the ground, never breaking eye-contact with Him. I was startled and calm at the same time. An overwhelming sense of anxiety and peace swept through me. It was Him!

We spoke without opening our mouths at first. “Are you ok?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said, “I was resting. I was memorizing what my Father would have me say.” (But I knew he was not memorizing what he would say to me–but to “them”)

“I’m sorry I disturbed you.”

“I knew you were coming.” And He smiled.

I was with Him a very long time.

(Back to 3rd POV) He was sitting on the ground with his arms now wrapped around his legs. I was opposite Him. There was a long (very long) period of time where we are talking and I’m experiencing this from 3rd pov and I’m not privy to the conversation. A very, very, very long time.

(Back to 1st POV) He touched me. He touched my arm. He reached out with His right arm and wrapped His hand around my left are just above the elbow.

And I knew.

The touch took my breath away and knocked me back a bit. He knew this would happen as His grip tightened before I was knocked off balance. I gasped and all the while still stared into His eyes. We stayed like this a long time.

I knew everything I was supposed to know. It was an immediate transfer of knowledge, understanding, wisdom, everything. With just one touch. I was entranced and awestruck.

With His hand still holding my arm, He stood and gently led me to do the same. He hugged me and then stood back a bit, this time, both hands on my arms. He looked me in the eye and said, “Now go.” His voice was gentle, almost a whisper. And He smiled.

I took a deep breath. I did not want to leave, but I knew I’d see Him again. And I knew that He had given me instructions and knowledge and wisdom and authority.

* * *

Telling my (former) pastor about this dream led to accusations of heresy. I was brought before the leadership team (and their wives) and every one of them recounted all the ways I might have been unbiblical. My husband and I left that church February 20, 2006.  Two days later, my uncle (more like my brother) committed suicide and my family wanted that pastor to officiate. I called him, telling him I wanted no part of him, but my family was asking for him and it was his choice. He came. He ministered to my family.  I tried to reconcile and he would have nothing to do with it.

This is the short version.  The long version is so very painful.

The good news is that Jesus wins. I serve a great a might God, Yahweh, who does still come in dreams. Who is the living God. He is Immanuel–God with us.

And even when men (and women) get in the way…maybe we need to be reminded of God’s response to Job?

Where were you when I established the earth?

Who enclosed the sea behind doors when it burst from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and thick darkness its blanket, when I determined its boundaries and put [its] bars and doors in place, when I declared: “You may come this far, but no farther;  your proud waves stop here”?

Have you ever in your life commanded the morning or assigned the dawn its place, so it may seize the edges of the earth and shake the wicked out of it?

Have you traveled to the sources of the sea or walked in the depths of the oceans?

Have the gates of death been revealed to you? Have you seen the gates of death’s shadow?

Can you fasten the chains of the Pleiades  or loosen the belt of Orion?

Can you bring out the constellations  in their season and lead the Bear and her cubs?

Do you know the laws of heaven? Can you impose its authority on earth?

Can you command the clouds so that a flood of water covers you?

Can you send out lightning bolts, and they go? Do they report to you: “Here we are”?

(and that’s just a taste of what was said.)

We think we hold the power of God in our hot little hands, doling out the “cans” and “cannots” of  El Shaddai–God Almighty. We are nothing without Him. We get in the way and by the grace of His touch, He forgives us, still. We condemn people to eternal separation. We are ungrateful servants.

Jesus told the disciples a story about another ungrateful servant and the end goes like this:

“The king summoned the man and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn’t you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?’ The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt. And that’s exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn’t forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy.”

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God.

I don’t want to do what I do out of fear, and I don’t. But some act as if there is nothing to fear…