Y’know in that little tab up there, the Coram Deo tab? Well. This is part of the ugly.

So that Advent thing, the Jesse Tree Advent devotional I wanted so bad to make a tradition? Yeah. Not going so well.  The first night was great. The second, I almost forgot, but it went ok. The third night? nothing. And last night.

ugh.

Let’s get this part out of the way. I got angry. Super-temper-tantrum-banging-things-angry. We had this really nice movie night complete with old school buttered popcorn. Then Zane asked (asked!!) if it was time to do the “Christmas thing” and my heart was all full of joy and we sat and needed to catch up two days and I started reading

and I don’t know what happened.

Zane was sitting next to me tapping his finger but making no noise, but I was catching it in my peripheral, which isn’t great because I had my glasses on and I could just see a blur of movement and I couldn’t focus my eyes on the words to read. I asked him to stop. I started reading again. He did it again. I asked him to stop. I started reading again. He did it again. I was like, “Why do you do this? Why do you ask me all nice to come in here and do this right now and then you want to make it so I can’t do this?” And then Phil said something to Zane about stopping whatever he was doing so it didn’t piss me off.  And then I got pissed. I put the book down and said, “Y’know this is supposed to be about God and I’m not doing it like this.”

And I didn’t say anything else, I went upstairs to go to bed, but I was too mad to go to bed, so I did the dishes and slammed everything and wanted to break things I was so mad that this one thing I wanted to do got screwed up so bad. Then I wanted to take the Christmas tree down and forget Christmas. Let someone else do the shopping and baking and planning and wrapping and worrying because Phil doesn’t even like Christmas and Zane only wants presents and that’s why I thought the Advent thing would be a good thing. So why do I do all of this? Why do I decorate and try so hard to make traditions and memories when no one even cares?

And sure, the pat answer is that because I’m doing something for God, Satan is stepping in to make sure he ruins it. Which, of course, is entirely possible. But what if it’s not that? What if it’s something else?

Is it a lesson for me? Do I love the things of Christmas more than I love the reason for Christmas? Am I selfish to want to make traditions?

Zane didn’t want to help me decorate the tree (again) this year and I pretty much begged him to help and he asked why I was begging. I said, “Honestly, because I don’t have my mom now and I miss her and you’ve still got me and you don’t want to spend time with me and I want you to.”

Sometimes (like last night and still, now) I think, it’s just not worth all the effort. Why do I bother?  Why do I feel this need to cram my ideas down their throats?  So I cried myself to sleep over it and I woke up still upset.

And yes, I could’ve just pushed through last night. I could’ve ignored the comment Phil made. But if they’re both only doing it for me…then it’s really not what it’s supposed to be. Maybe I should’ve pushed through. I don’t know.

The sentence I kept reading over and over when Zane was doing the tapping thing?  “He was sorry he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.”

Nothing like God’s words coming alive in your living room. I imagine he’s not all too pleased with me right now.