This last week of my fast was so full of stress it’s hard for me to even blog about it. Monday both my personal and professional lives simultaneously melted down. The whole week was full of phone calls and messages and analyzing and explaining.  I cannot recall a week filled with more tears–and I’ve had some seriously shitty weeks in my 41 years. I’d be remiss if I failed to acknowledge the fact that both situations escalated to white hot at the exact same moment on Monday *and* some of the parties in each of the situations extended forced apologies to me at the same time on Thursday. Which just happened to be the last day of the 24 week fast.

By forced apology, what I mean is this…Something threatened the parties involved. That threat pushed the apologies forward, but the apologies didn’t come from a place of true repentance, they were meant to help maintain something important in the lives of those issuing the apologies.  The people who apologized to me didn’t feel bad for hurting me, they were upset that something in their life was going to drastically change if they didn’t apologize. Blog comment that made someone panic to apologize or the threat of returning cancer, the threats were different with the same effect.

Compare that to another apology I received during this fast (and how ironic is it that this also dealt with my personal and professional life?) During the third week of the fast, I’d written a guest post about a suicide attempt 20 years ago. My mom and ex-husband were the only ones who knew. My mom is dead and my ex is no longer a US Citizen, so what happened was totally unexpected. I let go of that secret on this blog and on the same day, my ex-husband (who I hadn’t had contact with for 20 years) somehow found the post and apologized in public in the comments section of the post. He had nothing to gain by apologizing. There was closure for both of us in that apology. And while I won’t ever seek to restore a relationship with him, there is peace.

I accept the apologies of the others. I believe they are giving as much as they are able. I don’t know if they’ll ever understand the differences that I just discussed. It’s not my responsibility to change them, that is something each person has to work out on their own. Of course it would be awesome if these people weren’t forced to make peace, but sometimes in situations like this, you have to take what is offered and for the sake of peace and moving forward, I do accept their offers and harbor no bitterness.

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The spiritual battles during this fast were intense. I turned to these prayers twice during the fast.

I had this dream after the cleansing prayers:

God was sending me in to clean up a mess. Before I went to the place he was sending me, 2 angels appeared. One stood in front of me, one stood behind me. They were both warrior angels. Very tall compared to me at 5’2″. I’d say they were 6’7″ or so. They raised their arms around me. They were like wings, but not wings. God commanded them to pray and held His hand over the top of us. There was a surge of power so incredible it is beyond description.

The angels prayed protection prayers over me for a really long time.

And then I painted this

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I said the prayers once over my home and about a month ago over my dad’s, brother’s, and sister’s homes. Just this week a friend rebuked evil spirits in public and came to me in private saying that I was not dealing with humans. I was being spiritually attacked and she recognized that.

{For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities,against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.}

{you planned evil against me but God used those same plans for my good}

The words God spoke over this fast were “healing” and “prepare.”  And my word for this year is “restore.”

During this fast, I was restored to my position as Editor-in-Chief of The Midnight Diner. I never thought I’d be back in publishing. And now I’m being encouraged to start submitting my stories again. And I might just do that.

I wrote a piece for Listen to Your Mother, was accepted, and read the piece on stage. It was about accepting the kind love my mother knew how to offer.

My dad was alive for his birthday and I drove to Indiana to surprise him and I saw tears in his eyes. He was also alive for Father’s Day and I got to spend more time with him. He’s still alive on this day and even though we got some bad news about his illness, he is alive today and the fact that he made it into 2013 and is here today is a blessing we didn’t expect to receive.

I had the opportunity to mentor a young writer through The Midnight Diner. She later expressed in beautiful words that Phil and I helped change her personal life in ways I’m not sure I could have ever realized had she not spelled it out. We were really quite oblivious since we were just living out lives as we always do. We didn’t know that what she was seeing was changing her. I never expected it to be about more than writing and publishing, but I’m glad it happened.

I became a grandma again 🙂

I read a book for a second time and it changed my life, again. I haven’t yet wrote about the second reading and what came to pass.

My body continues to heal from the adrenal issues. It’s a long road, but it’s now been a year of eating militantly gluten free. It could take up to two years before total healing and restoration occur. I have hit the halfway mark!

The visible healing has happened in all areas. Personal, professional, spiritual, emotional, mental, physical. But the “prepare” part? What about that? There are still so many more questions I have and things I don’t understand about the fast, though. I have hope that God will tie up the lose ends for me in the days and months to come. I’m sad this fast is ending, but it wouldn’t be a fast if it was all the time and I need to remember that I was called to this fast for a purpose.

We’ve been in our new house and new city 28 weeks and I’ve fasted weekly for 24 of them. It will be weird to not fast and I don’t know what to do with that.

If you’d like to read the rest of the posts about the fast here are the links:

Blogging Through My Fast Seems Wrong

Week 1

Week 2

Weeks 4-10

Weeks 11-12

Week 13