Up until March, I’d never fasted. Not that I was against it, I guess I didn’t fully understand it. That’s not accurate. I understood the idea of fasting and praying, but I didn’t comprehend the power.

I felt a nudge to fast back in October 2011. I even picked prayed and set a date. The date came and went and I ignored it . Then around February of this year, this happened and afterwards I was a bit bombarded with messages on fasting and prayed asking if I should do a fast.  A quick, clear, “Yes” answer was given and I prayed about when and how.  The answers came.

“A 24-hour Daniel fast.”

Ok. I can do that.

“Wednesday 10am-Thursday 10am”

Ok. Sounds easy enough.

“Once a week for 6 weeks, ending with Wednesday-Friday.”

That was quite the shock. I’d never fasted in my life and I was being led to this? 6 weeks? Granted, it was only once a week, but still. It was daunting.  I also felt led to go unplugged during this time of prayer and fasting. No computer, internet, phone, radio, or TV.

I had read A Woman’s Guide to Fasting back in October when I first felt led to fast, so I pulled it out and refreshed my memory, did a little research on a Daniel fast and hesitantly told Phil about it.  I felt a little freaked out because the information was so very specific and half of me wanted to believe I was making it up, but the other half knew without a doubt that God was being that specific for a reason.  To my surprise, Phil said he’d fast and pray with me.

I took the advice of the book and started with a documented plan. When, how long, what kind of fast, reason for fasting, Scripture to focus on, etc…

That post I linked to above, Spirit Led Prayer,  the part I didn’t tell was that was over a ministry position Phil applied for. I emailed his resume while he was at work, he called me to ask if I’d sent the letter of recommendation (I hadn’t) so I sent it, hung up the phone and was then on my knees in prayer. It was so weird.  I was still praying and crying when Phil called me back to tell me the founder of the ministry called him and  he’d been on the phone the WHOLE time I was praying (and he didn’t know I was praying.)  We both felt certain that the job would be his.

Then nothing. Not an email or a call back. Nothing. We were pretty devastated.

Then we started to get the feeling we were being called to Montana.  And this is when I was supposed to start my fast. March 28-May 4.
These were my reasons for the fast:

• Obedience. Because I clearly was not obedient the first time.
• Trust. Did I trust that what God was telling me was from Him? Or was I making it up in my head?
• Direction for our lives
• Direction for Phil’s “ministry” (whatever that may be) How would Phil serve God?

Most of those weeks were quite painful for me. Phil wanted to GO. I wanted to go with him. We were searching opportunities and job and sending resumes and trying to work out what God was asking of us.

The fasting once a week felt weird at first. Then I found myself looking forward to being completely unplugged, a day to spend with God–on HIS terms, not mine.  By the end, I didn’t want the fast to end.

During the fast, Phil got a promotion and we realized that maybe it was our own desire to GO and maybe God wanted us here. And here we are. Still feeling like something is going to change, but not jumping at everything, not going down rabbit trails. We’re trying to Be Still. Trying to listen. And it’s very, very difficult.

During these 6 weeks, I learned some pretty huge lessons.

• Fasting and praying is *not* about me. Oh you’d think I’d be less narcissistic by now, but no. Not so much. I wanted to be obedient, I wanted to trust more, I wanted direction for my  husband and our lives. Geez. How does God even handle the BS I dole out?
• I was too busy. Too many commitments, too many days away from home, I wasn’t doing anything effectively. I was just living to get by and that is not the life God has for me.  By unplugging and ignoring the world and focusing on Him, I learned the best lesson…He doesn’t want the things from me. He doesn’t want my  activities, my art, my workshops, my service…He wants me. Just me.  And by the end of the fast I was so looking forward to our time together.
• He doesn’t always provide the answers we’re looking for or expecting. I really expected to be packing and moving this month. We were ready to go. But the answer we got (by way of Phil’s promotion) seems to say that we need to Be Still. We need to be content.  We need to listen and pray more instead of guess what He’s trying to say.
• I still don’t know what’s next for us. I think that’s maybe the trust part. I have to just Be Still and trust that He is in control. (and man. that is the hardest part.)

So. That’s it in a nutshell.  I feel like I’ve still got more to learn from this experience and it feels very unfinished.  I don’t even know what that part means yet.

“Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm;
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is cruel as the grave.
Its flashes are of fire,
a most vehement flame.
Many waters cannot quench love.”

a sneak peak

a Visual Prayer painting for Stephanie and Gabe Bowman.

Me?

Pfft. If only everyone were even half as perfect as I.

Until handed a list of possible areas of sin.  Until asked to rate my level of struggle with each specific sin.

{grace}

Recently (before I knew this list was coming) I’ve dwelt deeply with God in a difficult place. A place of learning, trust, unbelief, uncertainty. He has brought to my attention inappropriate behaviors.  He’s also been testing me in quite a big way. Giving (what I think are) clear directions then asking difficult questions presented as life-situations.

“to obey is better than sacrifice”

“Do you think all God wants are sacrifices— empty rituals just for show?  He wants you to listen to him! Plain listening is the thing, not staging a lavish religious production.”

It’s kinda hard to get into words all that God has me focusing on lately. His holiness. Obedience. Grace.  Theoretically, those three things go together like the Trinity.  When it’s drilled down and the microscope is on my life, though? When there’s a triangle of His holiness, His desire for obedience, and His grace circling around me?  Sometimes it’s overwhelming.

Like that list above.  I read it through marking low ratings for a bunch of stuff I don’t struggle with and felt pretty good.

Critical Tongue.  ouch.

Pride.  uhm. yeah.

Workaholic. guilty.

Opinionated. ding.

Stubborn. (can we just stop now??)

(God says: nope.)

Phil and I talk about some of this. How in our lives there are people who we call friends that find joy in our faults. They are happy when Phil and I have a little argument.  They remember it and bring it up and laugh and tell us how happy it makes them.  Truly, I find it disturbing that I can call them friends.  What does it say about me that I choose to surround myself and my family with those who choose to tear us down? Who would make such a choice?

Knowing that, talking about it with my husband, asking God for direction–made me hesitate to write this post.  Because I know these same people will find joy in my admission of sin.  And when people rejoice at your pain, it’s hard to want to face it.

It’s also hard to share the areas of intense struggle.  Part of the focus for this week’s Downpour lesson is helping one another.  Since I’ve already divulged things I’d rather not speak of, since you already understand I won’t find a prayer partner in those who are made happy by negative things that occur in my life, then I can also tell you that most of my spiritual support comes from women online who desire to walk the path Christ has for them.

We are relatively new at our church and I’m making friends and forging new relationships. We broke into groups of 3 last week and discussed much of what I’m writing here. So the reason I’m sharing this stuff is because so many of you have been on this journey with me and I trust you.  Yes, there’s risk that people I don’t trust will be reading along as well…but I’m choosing to focus on the true things. And what’s true is that even though many of you are far away, I feel close to you because we share in our experiences and we share the Holy Spirit.

So this Holiness. Obedience. Grace…

it says to me “Follow me”

even if it doesn’t make sense (hello. Noah. Ark.)

even if people ridicule you and delight in your misfortunes (David. Paul.)

it says, “be holy for I am holy.”

it says, “Without faith, it is impossible to please the Lord.”

“Be still and know that I am God.”

“Man does not see what the Lord sees, for man sees what is visible, but the Lord sees the heart.”

“When you are weak, then are you strong.”

“For my grace is sufficient for you.”

{grace}

Specific grace for every last thing on that list from One who would never laugh or find joy in painful situations. 

Yes. I have a critical tongue and a critical spirit. I struggle with pride and the balance of self-worth vs. conceit, especially when people who supposedly love and care for you break you down when a negative comes into your life. Yep. I am a workaholic. I’m most definitely opinionated. And stubborn. Sheesh.  And I’m probably a ton of other things.

But I’m also forgiven. I’m His. I’m an heir to the throne. I’m loved and cherished.  And I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I know this because I used to find pleasure in watching others suffer. And it’s only by His grace that I have been allowed to move beyond that.

If there is something you struggle with that you’ve not shared with someone, you can email me privately or if you feel so led, you can share with others who might need to hear your story.  (MLPendergrass at gmail dot com)

For the record, this has nothing to do with anything I’ve ever mentioned on this blog, on Facebook, or anywhere for that matter. It is a new thing that seemed to come out of nowhere. However, having learned from experience a teensy, tiny, little bit about how God works, I can say for certain that it was no surprise to Him.

So this thing (this good thing. I think it’s good.) happened (very quickly I might add) and immediately I felt this overwhelming pressure to get down on my face (literally) prostrate in prayer.  I could not stop crying either.  At first it was silent prayer, then I was moved to speak the words aloud. This went on for quite some time. I thought I was finished, got up, gathered my wits, thought about how strange that felt and it happened again.

This time I admit, I did not lie on the floor, but on my bed. Again with the tears and the silent prayer then the spoken prayer. Then confession.

For HOURS.

I cannot remember a time that the Holy Spirit has ever pressed down so hard on me to pray. The best way I can describe the way the heaviness draped over me is–imagine laying on the ground (warm and snug) and having to bear the weight of of a couple feet of heavy, wet snow. That’s how I felt. I couldn’t do anything more than lay in my bed and cry and pray.

This morning, I woke at 5am with a lighter weight, but serious call to prayer. I prayed from 5-7 in bed this morning.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I think there will be more heavy prayer today.

I don’t know what this all means. I mean, I understand how it pertains to what happened. I do not understand this overwhelming and very weighted, very heavy call to prayer.

Has anyone experienced this??

And I lost my temper again.

My back hurts again.

My car is broke again and I’m homebound until Phil can fix it (the car being broke is disheartening, being homebound? not so much)

My floors have not been mopped since before Christmas. I started to clean them today, but my back hurts. Again.

I emptied the clothes off of the couch in the living room and vowed to keep them off. But the pain came and I excused myself and they’re piled again.

The dishes aren’t done.

My bedspreads need a trip to the laundry mat.

My floors need to be vaccuumed and swept.

My bed is unmade.

I have no idea what to cook for dinner tonight.

I want to blog about some things but I’m not finding the words.

There’s so much laundry to be done.

The sun was shining and now it’s not.

These are the days grace feels so far away. Also the days I feel incapable of understanding grace. Incapable of giving grace. Incapable of receiving grace. Defeated. Down. Weary.

These are the days I question my purpose. My effectiveness. My resolve.

These are the days I analyze. Do I say “Yes” to too much? Do I overwhelm myself? How can I know when I’ll fall into pain? Did God allow my car to break (again) to keep me home (again)? God repeats things that are important. Is He repeating Himself with this broken-car-must-stay-home message twice in a few week’s time to teach me something? What am I missing?

Grace is my (God-given) word for 2012.  He is relentless in His lessons. I am clueless as to what point is being made. As much as I’m trying to pay attention, I’m missing something.

8×10

Currently for sale: $30

8×10

Currently for sale:  $30

16×20

lives in Northwest Indiana

By doing visual art as prayer, I sort of felt like I was being unbiblical. But God is a creative God and I was seeking Him diligently. I wanted to please him. I knew in my heart that before Visual Prayer, I was not praying in a way that brought me to Him.

It’s been a couple weeks since I posted, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been working. Quite the opposite.

At last count, I’d rid this home of 43lbs of stuff.

And I’m positive I’ve  gotten rid of (at the very least) 200lbs in the last few weeks.

257lbs to go and it’s only week 5??

Dude.

The boxed I emptied:

To Goodwill:

p.s. I did not take a picture of the trash I threw out. Maybe I should’ve, but can you trust me when I say it was a LOT? There is also another donation bag with quite a few books that I forgot to photograph.

Let’s take a look at another (wonderful!) side effect of decluttering…organizing!

The Studio is starting to slim down.

The “guest room” is still not a guest room. That is one of my goals in all of this. To be able to store those totes and other odds and ends somewhere else (or to go through them yet again.) Truth is, most of what is in the totes is either extra bedding, blankets, or seasonal clothes. So I’m a little confused as to what to do with them.

Our bedroom/living room. Still looks a little cluttered to me, but I’m trying!

My desk/office area (still cluttered)

Our closet is looking good. However, there’s still a pile of clothes on the bed and a full laundry basket and no hangers or drawers left. *sigh* Obviously I have to go through the clothes again.

And finally, the photo of the most organized place…because I need to see something good to feel like I’ve accomplished something!!

You can see all of my #Lose500 posts here.