The Cynic

Oh the cynicism that runs through my brain.

I saw a FaceBook comment today that said something like, “Please pray for so and so’s child. The child is making bad decisions and I love the family.”

My first thought? Maybe you should be praying that the child learns some life lessons. Maybe the family needs to go through this. Maybe it’s what God has in store for them later?

Maybe I just lived a painful, pitiful existence and I’m too cynical to think that life can be lived without pain.

Or.

Maybe I know the truth and everyone else needs to catch up.

I’m all for praying. But some of the prayer requests I hear on Facebook make me want to vomit.

That’s probably bad. Right?

Feeble Prayers

Scattered words and empty thoughts

Seem to pour from my heart

Even when people I love commit suicide

I Still Believe.

I’ve never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start

Even when best friends die of breast cancer
I Still Believe.

But its now I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

When grandmas find their youngest sons, dead by their own hand…when those grandmas slip into dementia and mini-strokes overtake them, even when special grandmas die
I Still Believe.

Though the questions still fog up my mind

With promises I still seem to bear


When moms have brain tumors and lymphoma and when prognosis looks good and things are hopeful hopeful. Even then, when she dies anyway
I Still Believe.

Even when answers slowly unwind

It’s my heart I see you prepare

When friends…people who call themselves friends, kick me while I’m down and knowingly inflict unbearable pain
I Still Believe.

But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain

From every fingertip washing away my pain

When I run away from home because I’m too pissed off to be around “friends”
I Still Believe.

The only place I can go is into your arms

Where I throw to you my feeble prayers

When You say in no uncertain terms, “Go back to your friend. Put up with her abuse.” I understand you are Jehovah Roi, the God Who Sees Me
I Still Believe.

In brokenness I can see that this is your will for me

Help me to know you are near

When I submit to Your authority and go back–and I hit a fawn still new with spots and it flies in the air and smashes down on the top of my car and I see it hit the road in the rearview mirror. Even when I see it’s mama right behind it. Even when the pain is too great to bear and I can’t see through my tears
I Still Believe.

I still believe in your faithfulness

I still believe in your truth

I still believe in Your Holy Word

Even when I don’t see

I Still Believe.



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Weary.

Tired. Pooped. Out of gas. Running on fumes. The big “E” is flashing and I’m thinking I have to pull over on the shoulder, but there’s no shoulder. No exit. Nada. Zippo. Ziltch.
Part of it is out of my control. Part of it was caused by a decision I made last night to take a break and go have some fun.
I should’ve just stayed home.
But I didn’t.
I wanted to say home, but I wanted to go. I went because I thought I needed a pick-me-up. Turns out I did indeed have fun. A LOT of fun. But because of an out of my control factor, I only got 3 hours sleep and today was already slated to be stressful. Add to that no sleep and honest to God, I’m an emotional basket case.
I’ve asked God for forgiveness. I’ve asked him for help. Strength. Energy. I’m kinda at wit’s end. I have too many responsibilities today and I know I can’t fulfill them. There are important deadlines and things I cannot ignore, yet, I have nothing to offer anyone or anything.
I’m on E.
And I don’t think I’ve ever been here before.
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The Fall

Why is it that when I hear sermons about The Fall, when I read about The Fall, and when I’ve done Bible studies that include something about The fall, why is it that they all act as if God didn’t know it was going to happen?

God created everything, God knows all, He’s known me since the creation of time, universe, earth, and so on–but really? He didn’t know Adam and Eve would sin?

I can’t get on that train.

I’ve never heard someone express opinions about the fall that say God created the universe knowing full well the first people would sin and He did it anyway with His divine plan in mind anyway. Nope. I hear them say, God created everything perfect for us and we screwed it up so then He had to come up with the Jesus plan.

Ok, so they don’t say it quite as sarcastically as I, but is my point being made?

Quit acting as if God had to change His plans because we did something that surprised Him.

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