*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well
For the bazillionth time, I yelled at my child for the same stupid thing.
And I lost my temper again.
My back hurts again.
My car is broke again and I’m homebound until Phil can fix it (the car being broke is disheartening, being homebound? not so much)
My floors have not been mopped since before Christmas. I started to clean them today, but my back hurts. Again.
I emptied the clothes off of the couch in the living room and vowed to keep them off. But the pain came and I excused myself and they’re piled again.
The dishes aren’t done.
My bedspreads need a trip to the laundry mat.
My floors need to be vacuumed and swept.
My bed is unmade.
I have no idea what to cook for dinner tonight.
I want to blog about some things but I’m not finding the words.
There’s so much laundry to be done.
The sun was shining and now it’s not.
These are the days grace feels so far away. Also the days I feel incapable of understanding grace. Incapable of giving grace. Incapable of receiving grace. Defeated. Down. Weary.
These are the days I question my purpose. My effectiveness. My resolve.
These are the days I analyze. Do I say “Yes” to too much? Do I overwhelm myself? How can I know when I’ll fall into pain? Did God allow my car to break (again) to keep me home (again)? God repeats things that are important. Is He repeating Himself with this broken-car-must-stay-home message twice in a few week’s time to teach me something? What am I missing?
Grace is my (God-given) word for 2012. He is relentless in His lessons. I am clueless as to what point is being made. As much as I’m trying to pay attention, I’m missing something.