Danger

*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well

I am taken advantage of often and most times, I don’t see it coming.

I’m not gullible, quite the opposite actually. I’m pretty keen to behavioral problems and patterns–correction–certain problems and patterns. There are some that slide right by me. Probably because the neuro-pathways in my brain have been trampled down with these particular issues, so much so that they’re “normal” to me.

danger

That makes me judgmental.

A bitch.

I fully admit it.

I feel the overwhelming need to protect my family and myself from certain types of people.

But I fail.

and often.

I fail and I let these people in and I think I let them in because my brain craves challenge and figuring out their motives (I think) is why I dismiss or ignore or don’t recognize their harmful, toxic patterns. I think sometimes my brain often fails to alert me to certain things so that it gets to figure out the puzzle.

Yes. I do talk as if my brain and I are two autonomous beings.  And this is where I totally understand the apostle Paul says

Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?

See. Paul gets it.

So while I know and I mean I KNOW that certain types of people are toxic, sometimes, I miss the signs.

And *most* of the time I blame it on this idea that if I’m Christian I must accept any and all people into my life lovingly and willingly. And truly, that’s just bullshit of the highest order.

I have to convince myself (like now) that it is OK to keep unsafe, emotionally unhealthy people out of my life. It is acceptable.

(and then I feel guilty because how many times do you forgive your brother. 70 times 70 and all the other rhetoric dished to me like manna, like it would sustain me when it really just destroys me emotionally and takes me away from my family and distracts me from God)

It is like Jesus in the desert being tempted by Satan with Scripture.

There are people in this world that ONLY Jesus can deal with and I’m not called to fix them or figure them out or allow them to trample over my precious time.

So why do I keep allowing it?

I have no freaking clue.

But it’s a pattern in my life. Some emotionally needy or spiritually needy or physically needy person enters my life, I feel empathy and sympathy for them, they weasel their way into my inner circle, and then (like leaven, yeast) they expand and blow up and how do you take yeast out of already risen bread?

You don’t.

You don’t let it in (in the first place) You keep it out.

How?

I have no freaking clue. But I’m working on it. But I’m buying a book called “The Sociopath Next Door.” Because I think I’ve had a few in my life and truly, I want them out (and they are out, but only after exhausting, time-consuming drama) so I’d like to not let them in…

starting now.

8 thoughts on “Danger”

  1. Interesting because I was just blogging about a similar topic. I feel like you and I have shared a similar experience and it should make us stronger, eventually…yet I am finding it hard to move beyond wondering how to filter out such people – especially long terms friends who somehow manage to go under the radar and really rip my heart out. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong, except perhaps putting too much faith in people.

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  2. I don’t know the answer either. I feel like a cynic approaching everyone with the expectation that they will fail me, but I think that’s the best way. It’s just that there are normal hurts and then there are hurts in a category all their own.

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  3. I’ve struggled with this, myself, Michelle. So much longer than I care to.

    I’ve “accepted” crap from others because I was “called to love them through it”… Only to end up wounded and limping.

    So now I’ve built such a wall up around myself.

    I’m working on it… slowly but surely.

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  4. I pray that God will give you the wisdom and discernment you need in this area. He’s truly the only One who can give you those clues. And yes, there are people who need to be kept at a distance – sometimes a great distance. It doesn’t make you any less Christian. But remember that the apostles were told in certain situations that they were to shake the dust off their feet – moving on, because those people would not receive nor hear them. They’re also told not to throw their pearls before swine. So while we are called to love everyone, that doesn’t always mean that we have to let them in. Especially when they’re toxic. We can still pray for them, but they don’t have to be close to us for that. And James tells us that if we ask for wisdom, He will give it – liberally. Praying for you to have the godly wisdom that you need. 🙂

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  5. I have been here so many times. It is hard to accept that one is taken advantage of. Even more when one realizes that we keep letting those people in. I have been there, and had to make a conscious decision to maintain those people at a distance. I pray for them, do not get me wrong, but I do realize that there are people who love nothing more than to bring other down.

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  6. Thank you for being so raw and sharing this with us. I’m dealing with this very situation, only it’s at work and I truly don’t know how to distance myself from it. I also enjoyed reading the comments, so many wonderful people willing to be open. Thank God for this place where we can be so free.

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  7. I feel like you explained really well the things I think … I have one person in particular who I always go rounds with in my mind, these very same verses, too plus the one about caring for widows {and then BOOM — and that? Brain explosion.}
    Finally, my mentor recommended that I pick up the book Foolproofing Your Life. And while it was a revelation type of book, it made me realize that you know, God didn’t call me to be a doormat. I knew that, but it was freeing nonetheless. And I just have to say thank you, too, for putting this out there … because it’s not all that easy to talk about. Another reason I adore you and your writing.

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