Fuckin’ Perfect

Brave.

I’ve been hearing that a lot lately in regards to both my professional life and my private, personal life.

Yet I sit here and my eyes overfill and pain spills down my face. I listen to this and I tell myself I am not what they say I am.

I can ignore it for a long time. I can give second chances. I can forgive, I have forgiven, I will forgive again. again. again.

But what I will not do is submit myself to the abuse that others dish out with no regard.

I don’t know how it happened. How it all came to blows on the same day, the same moment.

I was making a professional resignation from an organization I’ve been a member of for nearly a decade.  Y’know what. Wait. Let’s be clear here. The people  in that organization have become family to me. We’ve fought, argued, debated, grown, and always–always we’ve loved.  It is not those people I walked away from, those people joined arms in support and walked away as well. It’s really two of the officers of the now disbanded Indiana Horror Writers that I took a stand against. A couple of the officers made some poor choices with sexist language and after trying to deal with it as a group, without resolution, six of us gave our resignations and ended our affiliation with the Indiana Horror Writers. One of us has control over the digital assets of the organization and we’ll see what happens next.  The two men we had problems with are forming another group, people are taking sides. More than that though, I’m accused of being unprofessional, a liar, unreasonable. My posts were deleted, I was removed from the organization’s forums, blocked from one of the officer’s Facebook friends list, was told I couldn’t resign because I wasn’t an officer, talked about in a private forum I was removed from, but all the while told that the doors are open and it’s a safe and comfortable place to discuss the issues. I was told it’s my fault. The message is clear: Shut up.

Safe does not equal degrading me, attempting to shut me up, or trying to control me.

At the very moment I hit submit, and I’m really not kidding, the very moment, I received a phone call from my dad, who proceeded to tear me to shreds verbally. I was called names, accused of stealing money, threatened, and made to feel guilty because it’s my fault. I was hung up on more times than I care to count. And then, one time, the phone didn’t disconnect and I heard what dad was saying to my sister about me. I heard the names they were calling me. The message is clear: Shut up.

If I listen to these people I’m a liar, a thief, a bitchy broad, a hard head, I’m unprofessional, disrespectful, lazy, jobless, and nothing is enough. I’m not enough, I didn’t do enough, I don’t do enough, I’ll never be enough. Never.

{like when I was a child, I was a slut, a bitch, a whore, a liar, a thief, worthless, told that I should have never been born, told that I was brought into the world and can be taken out of it. I used to pretend I was adopted because that made more sense to me.}

I listen this the song again. again. again. Fuckin’ Perfect…

to drown them out.

because they think they’re the victims.
they cry about injustice and how they’re being wronged by me.

Months ago, they were all told how to fix the issues that came to a head on Monday. Resolutions were spoken. Ignored. Because they won’t own up to their parts, I am the punching bag.

{brave i am not}

After the dual meltdowns Monday morning, so much adrenaline ran through me I thought I’d puke. I was shaking so much for so long and I couldn’t make it stop. I cried more that day than I cried when my uncle hung himself and when my mom died.

I stood up and said, Fuck this. This is why my body is in adrenal failure. Because people who say they love me haven’t the first fucking clue of what it means. I will not submit myself to this for one more second. And if you hate me, it will eat you alive, not me.

You don’t like my attitude, my words, my language, my song? Leave. Yes. These are my true colors they have always been my true colors and one thing I have never, ever done is hid this side of me. So you go ahead and blame me so you don’t have to look in the mirror. So you don’t have to change. So you don’t have to own up to what you did. You go ahead and post about me and talk about me and call me names. Tell stories so people take your side.

I do not care if another soul on this earth believes me or thinks I’m a horrible. Turn the whole world against me if you must. I am ok with that. I thought I couldn’t live with these decisions, but I found out I can.

This is not brave. This is survival. This is the last straw in a long line of straws that I have allowed to decimate my physical, mental, and emotional health. If you think this is about just one little incident, think again. It’s about a lifetime of people treating me like shit and I’m not doing it any longer. So if that means leaving organizations I love and walking away from people I love, so be it. Go tell someone else what I horrible bitch I am. I’m not going to shower myself in insults and bathe in lies. I’m not going to eat your hurtful words nor drink your warped version of love.

40 thoughts on “Fuckin’ Perfect”

  1. >>I will not submit myself to this for one more second.<<

    THIS is why you are brave. Because in your head there is no choice but to stand up. Some people NEVER get there, like the people who are trying to punish you for standing up b trying to force you into silence. See, they want you to pass the buck like them. They cannot stand to see you strong because it scares them because they cannot do it.

    People choose all the time to NOT do the right thing. You are the wall, stepping between them and your family and even your well being by saying "It stops here."

    Reply
  2. Wow, Michelle. I’m so sorry that people have been so crappy toward you. Stand strong, my friend. You truly don’t have to take that from them. You do what you need to for you. If people are that toxic, they certainly don’t need to be a part of your life. Love you, girl!

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  3. I gave up caring what others thought of me for Lent several years ago. It worked so well i’ve kept not caring. Imagine how freeing it is! Life’s too short to spend it with assholes. Turn your back, walk away, smile knowing you’ve just improved your life.

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  4. I can’t even begin to express the utter DISGUST that I have for you and the other people that were involved in this Facebook Theatrical Production. You and the other people know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about these other people! I mean seriously, none of you “really” know these people. You said in your post how you were mistreated and people called you names? Really? Is your recent behavior of passing judgment, labeling people and mistreating them in an open forum your way of feeling vindicated? None of you people have walked not one mile in these other peoples shoes but yet you are quick to point fingers and tell people how bad they are!
    Why are you making it seem like you had no hand in this and that it’s not partially your fault? (NEW FLASH… IT IS.. the people that you were attacking had nothing to do with the undoing of the writing group that you claim is so dear … All it took is one cry from THE LOUD MOUTH and viola the group becomes disbanded because she started all of the drama.. This happened because the LOUD MOUTH is a vile, disgusting, manipulative, miserable, evil, poor excuse for a human being!) By the way, you can’t start a meaningful, constructive conversation with people when your tone is accusatory, acidic, and negative! That’s asinine…. . Your post makes it appear as though that you and the other followers are victims but it clearly validates that you are a bunch of loud mouth COWARDS who have temper tantrums when things don’t go your way or people don’t believe as you do!
    It is easy for people to attack others when you are hiding behind a computer screen. Instead of trying to talk like rational and mature adults the alarm was sounded and THE ANGRY MOB ATTACKED! But I guess when you have an ANTAGONISTIC LOUD MOUTH at the helm I guess that’s the end result! You all were acting your SHOE SIZE! ALL BECAUSE SOMEONE WORDED SOMETHING IN A WAY THAT YOU DIDN’T LIKE OR AGREE WITH. Some people (that would be you, the loud mouth and the other followers) just want to be heard at any expense even if there is no substance or merit to your words and not thinking about how it will affect others! Have you or any of the other members of the MERRY BAND OF FOLLOWERS even taken into consideration how you may be AFFECTING the people’s personal lives? Of COURSE NOT, BECAUSE IT’s ALL ABOUT YOU! I’m sure that the head person in charge (you know the person who went to someone’s PERSONAL Facebook page read a post didn’t like it and started all of this elementary school chaos within a writing group that she barely participates in!) Sounds like a personal vendetta to me. The person who started all of this doesn’t care about how her ruthless, vindictive, childish, loud mouth grandstanding is affecting these other people and apparently neither do you. She is literally trying to drag people’s names through the mud! That isn’t standing up for what you believe in that’s just being downright evil. How far do you go, or to what extent do you go to stand up for what you believe in? Do you try to make others look bad? I know that you and the troublemaker don’t know that answer to this, but I’ll give you a hint…. The answer is NO! When you have to belittle, berate, degrade, name call, and label others….it’s because you are a miserable person and you need to do that to MAKE YOURSELF LOOK GOOD! There are always two sides to every story and it’s a shame that only one side is being told. That’s ok though, because I know the truth…. You might want to tell the LOUD MOUTH RING LEADER that if she put as much energy into her writing as she does in trying to tear down someone’s character that maybe she would have something to show for it. If what she is doing is making her feel good, (I’m sure it is) then I feel sorry for her and anyone that she comes in contact with. It takes a pathetic lowlife person to do and say some of things that I’ve been a witness too and if this pathetic display for attention is any indication what you people are about… let me give you a little bit of advice… you need to sit on somebody’s couch and work out your problems. With all of that being said, you, the loud mouth, and the merry band of followers need to start preparing… As the old saying goes WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND and even though I may not be privy to when it happens…. I’m sure you will get what you deserve!

    Reply
    • I was going to highlight all of the times in your one comment that you belittled, berated, degraded, name called, and labeled others, but that would be assigning undue stupidity to my readers.

      Thank you for so clearly telling us why you did what you did here. “it’s because you are a miserable person and you need to do that to MAKE YOURSELF LOOK GOOD!”

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    • Hey – guess what…

      (oh, and let’s enjoy the supreme irony of someone accusing others of lying, then hiding behind a funky title, with no picture. There’s a word for that, I think: It’s called TROLL)

      …I don’t KNOW you. Who the hell ARE you? I KNOW Michelle, and I know Natalie. I’ve known Michelle for YEARS, both professionally and personally. I’ve sought counsel from her for professional matters and spiritual matters. So I’m not a FOLLOWER. I’m a friend and colleague. And my friend and colleague has called a very loud BULLSH*T, and I agree.

      And are we forgetting all the other – VERY reputable – folks who have joined Michelle in this? You know, when someone like Maurice Broaddus also walks out – a guy who tries to work with everyone – then you KNOW your position is indefensible, right? Like that whole flap over a “what a professional writer” was, the one Neil Gaiman sorta chuckled about?

      It sounds like you’re supporting someone you care about. Fine and good. But there are lot of intelligent (well, maybe not ME, so much), professional, logical, rational FRIENDS and COLLEAGUES willing to support Natalie and Michelle also.

      And again – love the irony of accusing someone of acting the “big man” behind a computer screen, and you doing the same…

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    • And so there’s my point in black and white. You talked about drawing your line and not standing for it and resigning/ending the situation in your life and someone else who won’t even use their real name says they’re right because you deserve to be abused and proceeds to launch personal attacks against everyone involved.

      I know this is painful now, but I’m sure you’re already getting to the point where you’re glad people are showing their true colors so you don’t have to waste time on them anymore.

      You=strong.

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    • Well. I hope you’ve been able to exorcise whatever hurt would lead you to excoriate a woman who is honest and open about being in emotional pain.

      To read her entry and respond in this fashion is tantamount to climbing on a bleeding wounded soldier and slapping him in the face.

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    • TruthIsTheLight? So, can’t even use your real name when you go on a tirade? How does this help? HOw about making some clear, coherent points that add to clarification or solutions. You’re acting so unhinged in this comment that no one could possibly take you as a serious, sane, sober, logical, rational, debatable person. Why do I suspect you are actually part of the problem in this whole affair?

      Oh, yes, because you sound unhinged and use middle school retaliatory language.

      You might gain some respect for your comments if you put a face and name to it (hey, just one name to a real picture will do) and speak in normal tones with some actual logic instead of just blasting away with all the depth of a 4th grader throwing a tantrum. Put the tantrum away, please, and, if truth is really light, if you really believe in the value of language and adult confrontation that may lead to clarity and truth, then please, calm down. Think about how there is already pain going on and don’t add to it: resolve it. Help find solutions.

      Michelle writes about a problem she and others have noticed. She wants a remedy. She is upset. She values the association and doesn’t want it to continue to do what her ethical standing feels is WRONG. Address her complaints, bring information, have a proper dialogue.

      Adding your howls to this solves nothing. Claim a face and name and enter this discussion with language befitting truth. You hide behind a phrase, and that right there disqualifies you from the get-go. Truthfully, your language and appoach and tone don’t even befit a street brawl. You sound neither filled with truth or life. Just anger and vitriol. Bile. YOu sound full of bile.

      Step up to the late like a grown-up person, and then maybe you’ll be worth actually listening to and not come across as a meth-hyped lunatic with caps control issues.

      A problem has been identified. Bring proof it’s not a problem or bring a solution to the table. Bring real suggestions. Cause if all you wanna do is have a shoutfest–whose use of capital letters and angry words is bigger and badder– then what does that make you?

      Hollering or healing? Screaming or solving? Adult or baby?

      Your choice.

      Reply
  5. It’s the truth not stupidity don’t get them confused…. I see why you were abused and mistreated, that’s probably what’s wrong with the loud mouth too, to bad you didn’t get some sense beat in to you!

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    • Wow, I thought your previous long-winded rant was bad. This is past the line and into the next county. Wishing that someone had been abused WORSE, beaten MORE….that is hellish. That comes neither from truth nor life, but from utter hate, disdain, and darkness.

      You have a problem. Anyone who would say that to a person who has suffered sexual abuse…is a person of low, low character and a heartless specimen of homo sapiens. You just revealed your true self. Truth is light: And the light shining right now says you are a monster. Get help. Your anger is out of control and you have zip empathy. You’re pitiful..and perhaps dangerous. Get help.

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    • Unclean Spirit!
      I rebuke the through the Holy Spirit in the name of Christ Jesus.

      Begone from this place.

      I claim the blood of Christ as shield and defender.

      Begone from this place.

      Baruch HaShem.

      Reply
  6. PS…Last comment I promise.. I’m not doing this to make myself look good, I’m doing it because I’m standing up for what I believe in…TRUTH..

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    • Truth is anyone who says anyone else deserves to get beat for something as mundane as an opinion, or a stupid performance is the one with serious issue. And FYI, that’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. An officer of IHW passionately advocated for Miley Cyrus (an adult) to be beaten by her father for her VMA performance. Because, yeah, that’s is a WONDERFUL way to make all the women in your life feel completely safe with you. Knowing that you think that it is not just okay, but completely justified.

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    • Look good? Standing up? When everything you’ve written comes from a dank and moldy pit of hatred and self-satisfaction, how does that make you look good. You “look” like a cowardly (ie anonymous) beast of the most pathetic sort. At least a real crusader doesn’t hide and doesn’t toss comments simply to wound. Wow, you really are a nasty bit of work. Thanks for revealing what you are. Now everyone seeing the comments has proof that what Michelle has written is on target. YOU proved her case.

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  7. Truthy, your posts reveal you to be a sad, shriveled up soul devoid of light, hope, kindness, and grace. I hope you find the help that you obviously need for the numerous character faults and spiritual debasements you seem powerless to control.

    In the meantime, Get thee behind… well everyone. And stay there until you mature beyond the brood of vipers wriggling through everything that has poured out of you here.

    Or don’t, if that is your desire. Go on being the stone God sharpens his true children on.

    Either way, I hope you find peace. And a partner who respects you.

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  8. Dear, truthisthelight,

    Let’s talk about karma, shall we? You are doing more damage to the writing careers of those you are “defending” with each post you make. You come across as an oblivious angry wife…not as someone looking at the whole situation objectively. This is a very small garden industry…so small, editors and publishers talk about the poisonous weeds that pop up occasionally, warning one another about specific ones we see. I suggest you let your friends know what you are doing because I don’t think they want the karma you are creating for them. Trust me, we dig deep enough to remove weeds, roots and all.

    Your friend,
    Michael Knost

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  9. Dear Michelle,

    I’ve tried to stay out of this mess so far, because honestly I have anxiety issues and literally have panic attacks when friends fight. I felt I didn’t have the whole story, and so I’ve stayed out, speaking to people in private about problems I’ve had with what’s been said on both sides. My public silence isn’t out of apathy or lack of compassion, it’s because I try to be positive and not join in shouting matches, and I try not to give up on anyone as a lost soul, especially if they’ve been kind to me in the past.

    I am very sorry if my voice being quiet and not loud has hurt you in any way. I’m sorry that my choice to try to keep all my friends has driven some away from me. If I dropped flawed friends, I doubt I’d have any left, and I doubt anyone would keep me around, as full of flaws as I am.

    In any case, let me say that whoever truthisthelight may be (I can guess) has gone much much too far, and I do NOT support those awful words and images on YOUR blog in any way shape or form. I can understand leaping to the defense of someone you care about, but this is not constructive, it is just hurtful.

    I know you’ve unfriended me along with others for not making a stand on Monday, and I’m sad about that. It tears me up, all of this.

    I’m not the praying type, but I do fervently hope the flames die down and we can all be peaceful and friendly again someday. This is my way of showing support, without pitchforks and torches, just saying I wish you well and hope for a better tomorrow.

    Chris

    Reply
    • Thank you for your comment, Chris. I did not unfriend you because you didn’t take a stand on Monday. I unfriended you because you made a comment about the drama and losing friends and frankly I’ve had my fill of drama. I blocked one of the other parties in question and one blocked me. Just so we’re clear on what really happened.

      I apologize that it hurt your feelings.

      Reply

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