Selfish

*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well

backyard autumn

When we first found out Phil was fired, I grieved over the loss of what had become home. We lived on site. Loss of job equaled loss of home. Loss of my garden. My flower beds. My back yard. My view. My porch swing.

All selfish things, things I had come to enjoy. Things I loved to share with others, inviting them over. So maybe not the loss of things, but the loss of the people who I could no longer watch enjoy the peacefulness of the land.

But still. I missed it and knew I would miss it.

tuesday sunrise 2011nov08

Instead of being thankful, I was resentful.

I began thanking again. Giving glory to God for protecting us and providing for us and preparing us for what’s to come.

And I feel like He’s painting the sky just for me. Selfish? Maybe. Probably. But He’s showing me I didn’t lose anything, I gained a whole new life.

10 thoughts on “Selfish”

  1. Loosing our home was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone thru & for the same reasons. People were at our house all. the. time. Then we moved into my in laws & lost all most all socialization ( not easy for an extrovert like myself). It took me a while to accept that God had something different in mind, even tho I’m still not quite sure what that is yet. 🙂
    Miss you!

    Reply
  2. I believe He painted that sky in part, at least to speak to your heart. {And maybe mine, too, through these words.} Gratitude is the most powerful thing in the face of loss and fear. Those emotions run the same pathways in the brain; you simply cannot be both exactly simulatenously. Such a beautiful, timely post for this fear-seduced heart. Thank you for sharing such beauty.

    Reply
  3. You have every right to feel a painful loss when you’ve worked so hard for something. I don’t think it’s selfish at all to want to enjoy your work. I also think that we’re allowed to feel these feelings. What we’re not supposed to do is dwell in these feelings, make them become who we are. Feeling them is sacred to what it is to be human. Releasing them is sacred to the divine.

    Besides, we both know a Michel(l)e that’s not being challenged gets complacent and stops doing impossible things. 😉

    Reply

Leave a Reply to Joy @ Joy In This Journey Cancel reply