Sometimes Things Don’t Turn Out As I Planned

*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well

Alternately titled: Almost Always God’s Plans Are Not My Plans.

There’s this new blogging conference, Relevant, that I thought would be a cool place to be.  Turns out I was wrong.  Yes, it was fun and I met women too amazing to compare myself to, my brilliantly wise roomie included.

But all of it wasn’t awesome.

The day before I left, someone I respect immensely, took a kind of big risk and told me something I might have reacted badly to.  (I didn’t, but could’ve) I lugged the burden of my iniquity around not realizing the weight or impact.

In hindsight…pun totally intended…there may be cause to believe that God timed this person’s comments in such a way as to cause a complete emotional breakdown. The comment wasn’t intended to send me tailspin.

But.

It did.

A wonderfully wise woman named Brooke McGlothlin kinda put me in my place.  She told of a child riding a bike in a time and place without permission. The gravel was thick and deep. The bicycle tires didn’t stand a chance. The child had no way to keep the bicycle upright.  Bloody, scarred and wounded, the child left the place hiding her wounds, afraid of getting caught in forbidden territory. Scared and alone the child covered the wounds, though even in her innocence, the child knew the wound need to be attended to, but the child was embarrassed. She covered and hid the painful marks that soon became infected. People unknowingly  bumped into and irritated the wounds. Unimaginable pain ensued. Yet, fear kept the child from admitting what she knew to be true.

The infection will eventually poison her entire being.

This girl.

This wounded girl hiding her pain

is of course

me.

I’ve been bumped one too many times at the source of the pain.

And

though I almost can’t bring myself to admit it

It’s too much for me to bear

alone.

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21 thoughts on “Sometimes Things Don’t Turn Out As I Planned”

  1. Hi,

    I just found your site tonight. I can hear the pain in your post. If you need to chat you can come find me on twitter @sunflowermommie .

    Blessings
    Honey

    Reply
    • Dawn–you are so right. I am NOT alone and God reminded me of that (again) because there are some things I can’t seem to remember (like He is there) until he beats me on the head (again) and I finally get it. 🙂 And that’s what happened.

      I loved meeting you and look forward to our conversations!

      Reply
  2. You are totally badass for blogging on a friggin’ police car. At first I thought you got yourself in some trouble! And for this post, you are so brave. I don’t know the first about getting over such hurt, but I see you gradually evolving the more you open up. And that is wonderful. I’m queen *bottle up and it will go away*. I hate crying and being pet, but it doesn’t feel good holding it in either. Purge!

    Reply
    • Sometimes I think I’d rather be in trouble with the police than have to deal with the inner soul-stuff. You know I hate crying, too. But I’ve been forced to face this stuff. (That still doesn’t mean I want to.)

      Reply
  3. What a powerful, powerful post. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself Michelle. I know exactly the struggle you speak of, of digging deep and the pain of doing so…we have to believe it is worth it in the end, because isn’t it in our pain that we sometimes are reminded just how much God loves us?

    (((((HUGS)))))

    Reply
  4. First of all, that picture. Oh, that picture…Too funny!

    Secondly, I am so sorry. I have walked this path for a while with another person and I recently released it to God. Every now and then I have to remind myself that I have (it had been going on for two years…Yes, two years…), but I have.

    I will pray for your peace and resolution. He will lead you.

    On a lighter note, it was a pleasure to meet you and see your beautiful artwork. AND to learn we are practically neighbors…LOVE. IT.

    Reply
  5. Thankfully you are not alone!!! I think we all felt the pain to some extent. So glad to have met you, although briefly. I pray that the conference blessed you as it did me.

    Jenny

    Reply
  6. Am I becoming redundant if I say (((HUGS)) yet again? ;0)
    You know that I’m always here to talk, too, and that I’m online more often than I *should* be.
    You also know that direct twitter messages get sent to my cell phone right?? So if you ever NEED me to get online, just send me a DM on Twitter. =)

    Reply

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