Driving Into Flood Waters = Stupid

by Michelle Pendergrass | Mar 25, 2008 | Uncategorized

Near as I can tell, this is what happened.

First, Phil called his cousin to make sure the family down south was not floating away. Seems that Bunk lucked out and water didn’t end up in his house after all because a levee broke and relieved the pressure. Now I’m guessing some other families might not have been all too happy about that other levee breaking, but we were just fine with it. Bunk’s the one I was most worried about. He and I have this special connection. Least I think so. If I told you what happened, you’d think I was a freak. Not that I’d have to talk too long because I mostly am a freak already, but this would be sure to do the trick if you’re still hanging around reading this stuff.

Phil’s uncle, that’s Bryan Gene. Lord that man and his wife don’t have a single brain cell between the two of them.

Phil got the story from Nick, Bryan Gene’s son. I got it from Sharon, and I can’t remember who she is. Grandpa Jack’s sister’s daughter, maybe? Something like that. I try to keep them all straight, but in the almost 15 years we’ve been together all I’ve got down is a few.

They all have scanners. Police scanners. And they’re on all the time. Even with the TV. Just as loud as the TV. Say Amen if you know where I’m coming from here.

Now, Grandpa Jack died awhile back and since then Bryan Gene has sold off everything the man left behind. First they drove Grandpa Jack’s car til it died, then Grandma’s (she passed a few years ago) until the transmission went out. So Bryan Gene decided to sell Grandpa Jack’s boat. I’m not totally right on that. Let me try again. Bryan Gene was going to GIVE Grandpa Jack’s boat to the guy who was fixing the transmission. The boat was worth WAY more than that. So Grandpa Jack’s friend down at the Marina heard about this and gave Bryan Gene cash.

Bryan Gene took the cash and bought a pick up and put liability on it.

Then he and Barbara went down the road to Dung Beetle’s house. Maybe it was Asian Beetle? Or Caterpillar? Some bug. Anyhow, Bryan Gene and Barbara went there to get drunk and high. They drove through a puddle to get to this guy’s house

They achieved their goal and headed home. I think they went around the road closed and high water signs. Bryan Gene said to Barbara, “Well hell, we drove through it to get there, it can’t be that bad.” And headed into the water.

So Sharon and the family are gathered. Eating no doubt. Sharon’s people have brought clothes with them just in case they can’t make it back home for the flooded roads. Scanner’s on and they’re hearing about some people, male and female, muddy, in the water. Hypothermia. Ambulance. Etc… And the family’s cracking jokes about the ignorant people out there knowing what happens when you drive your vehicle into the flood waters. Any fool’d know that the current’s too strong and why would anyone be so ignorant as to do such a thing?

Then they ran the driver’s licenses of the man and woman. Bryan Gene and Barbara.

Well.

That explains it then.

They are ignorant.

No one’s really sure how Bryan Gene survives anything. He’s had more car wrecks than Evil Knievel, smoked more weed than any human should smoke, has brain damage from it (diagnosed, honest to God brain damage), and just just all around…well…ignorant is a safe word.

They got Bryan Gene and Barbara out, treated them for hypothermia and they’re home now.

He probably should have kept the boat and drove around in that until the flood waters receded, then sold it and paid cash for the pickup. Now he’s out a boat, cash, and the pick up.

But he was on the news.