*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well
Life has been…difficult. Not the worst it’s ever been, but yet, still demanding in its own right. It wouldn’t do any good to list it all out. When I do that, it seems to get worse and I don’t know if I have the wherewithal to endure more mental anguish right now. I’m trying to sort through all of my baggage and at the same time I’m trying to focus on this Advent season, this expectant and joyous time of waiting.
Honestly, I’m anything but joyous.
I feel defeated, discouraged, depressed (are all “d” words like this?) I’m feeling rather hopeless. Full of unbelief and fear. Beaten down and kicked again. And just when I think I’ve handed it all over, another bomb is dropped on me. And I keep handing it over.
I’m not joyous.
That fullness of heart feels out of reach right now.