*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well
Some of them don’t.
It’s true. I don’t love everyone. I don’t know how to love people who continuously and willingly make the same stupid choices over and over. I don’t know how to love people who claim they’re Christian, yet, their fruit is rotten. I don’t know how to love fake people. Or people who knowingly lie and cover up their lies with other lies and then pretend it’s my fault I don’t love them.
and is it my fault?
Do I choose to not love at times?
Yes. Yes I do.
Does that mean I’m not a real Christian? I guess it does to some people.
I’ve been reading this book and at once I want to throw it across the room and also be the person of God the author is. He keeps telling me how furiously God loves me (and I’m believing it) and then he tells me how, through that love, the love in me should pour out and I should be known as God’s by the love I choose to give.
And then he suggests
“…reach out a hand of reconciliation to someone you’ve estranged. It might mean making a telepone call to somebody with whom you’ve had a conflict. It might mean making a long distance phone call to someone in your family that you haven’t talked to in years.”
My problem with choosing to do such a thing is that the people that I’ve had conflict with are extremely toxic to me. It would be like me driving down a deserted highway at night, alone, and stopping to pick up a hitchhiker. When stopped, my lights shine on him and he’s big. He’s got a gun. He has blood splatters on his body. And what’s that in his suitcase? Is there blood leaking out of there? Ah whatever. Get in Buddy! Where ya headed? Oh yeah? Me too? Can you believe it? Buckle up. Here we go!!
The people we’re talking about aren’t just hard to deal with. If I allowed them back in my life, they would be like parasites. They would undo all the hard work I’ve done on the road to gaining some semblance of an emotionally healthy life. How do I know this? Because I’ve given almost all of them more than one chance.
To make matters worse, I have this personality type that only like 1% of the population has. And that personality type makes it difficult for me to maintain relationships because I have this super low bullshit tolerance level. On top of that, I have like zero mercy or empathy. And if that isn’t enough, my spiritual gifting is in the area of discernment, wisdom, and prophecy (and no, that does not mean telling the future. It means telling the truth.)
“Romans 12:6 “…if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith.”
Here Paul links prophecy with faith. The gift of prophecy is closely connected to faith. The prophet
speaks out boldly. Why? Because he sees the truth, he knows it’s the truth, and he believes that God means
what He says. So, the prophet has faith in God and in God’s Word. In that faith, the prophet speaks boldly
Sometimes that boldness and clarity of expression can be misinterpreted as a lack of compassion or
insensitivity. But, as author Charles Stanley said, the prophet is interested in the origin and the destination
– not the trip. He sees the problem and he knows the solution and he wants to help others get from where
they are to where God wants them to be.
Another aspect which can cause discomfort over the prophet’s message is that the sword of truth is sharp
– cutting to the core of one’s conscience. People generally don’t like correction or dealing with issues of
And that is me. In a nutshell. If you boiled away everything else about me, got rid of all the artistic stuff and got down to who I really am…you’ll find someone who loves the truth and God is truth.
But God is Love.
And therein lies my perpetual dilemma. Will my heart forever be hard and empty towards those who cannot live in truth? Is it really possible for me to make phone calls to these toxic people? Would it be possible for me to sit and listen to them lie and believe their own lies and expect me to believe those lies, too? I just don’t think it’s the right thing to do.
But God does expect me to love. And if I’m known by my love, and if I don’t really love everyone, then I don’t really have all that great of a witness, do I?
But I try. I really tried with all of the relationships that I’m talking about. I exerted so much effort and emotion and in my heart I know I did everything I could do. And they still lied and in each of their own ways, struck out at me, kicked me while I was down, and most of them did it more than once.
So I did that whole dusting-the-sand-off-my-sandals thing and moved on.
So which is it then?
Do I move on because a prophet isn’t accepted in his hometown or do I reach out to them and love them? Because I don’t know if it can be both ways and I don’t know the right answer.