Healing (still)

*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well

Last October, after I attended The Relevant Conference, I started a series of posts here dealing with emotional healing and pruning spurred by God’s messages in my life.

The whole series, in order, is here.

“Going back in order to go forward is something we must do in the context of community…”

This is the community I choose.

I have no clue how it will end.

It didn’t really end. I just stopped writing. I didn’t intend to. But Spiritual Battles started on every front.

Here–the warning for what was to come. Then my Mac crashed. I started Visual Prayer workshops, I was invited to write for a new blog, my art started selling, I was asked to write for a blog I’d long admired, our PC crashed–so we had no working computer in the house, betrayal occurred, Phil was fired, we had to move, pack, unpack, settle in, Phil had to find a new job…

and since Phil’s termination and our move God has only given me two words: Protection and Provision.  Which are good words, full of meaning. But (there’s always a but) I was confused. Confused about God’s leading, I think I misunderstood. I thought He meant something maybe He didn’t really mean. or something. But I didn’t know what and He was silent. And I was anxious. I prayed. We tried a new church (it was awful) I prayed more, I did Visual Prayer, but nothing.  I felt God was still being silent.

Things from the past started surfacing. Emotional things, but not about family this time, about friends (or so-called friends) the ones who have deeply wounded me, scarring my soul as much as my family did.  Family doesn’t happen by choice, friendships pretty much do…so the pain caused by the betrayal  of people who choose to be in your presence makes one feel used, worthless,

it sucks.

And everything all those people did to me played over and over in my head. I talked a little about it, but mostly just kept it in and prayed.

prayed for an attitude adjustment

I didn’t understand, though, why all the hurt was resurfacing. My first thought was I was under spiritual attack again.

It was a comment in a text that made me stop.  “Maybe  attack, but also maybe God bringing wounds to the surface for healing?”

and then I remembered the series I’d started last October.  Then my Twitter feed lit up with chatter about The Relevant Conference this month, the one I’m not going to, but desperately want to attend.  Last year I didn’t want to go and I had complete sponsorship. This year I feel such an overwhelming urge to go and have nothing and no means to make the ends meet.

I’ve spent the morning reading every single post I’ve linked to today and my heart is heavy because I understand God is still working on me, still pruning (and it hurts) and still healing (and it hurts)

I honestly forgot I wrote all these things. I’ve read my words today and cant’ believe I wrote them.

And, as I said above, I don’t know how this will end…

5 thoughts on “Healing (still)”

  1. MANY hugs. Of course. As always. I have no doubt in my mind that God will continue to provide and protect you. No doubt at all. I know when the rug gets pulled out from under us, we have a startle reflex, like an infant who suddenly feels like he’s falling, and we draw our arms and knees in and brace ourselves for the fall. But God catches us. Though we fall he protects us and cushions the impact. And it’s hard to relax and stop trying to protect ourselves from more pain and just rest in God’s hold.. the adrenaline has to fade, the panic has to subside. But God IS there. Holding us. And though it’s wise to keep our eyes open, and to watch and be aware and be smart.. we don’t have to keep bracing ourselves for the next wave and the next. We can relax in God’s arms as he carries us through each one. I pray that as you continue to relax a little more and uncurl that you’ll feel God’s arms around you. I pray that your faith and trust will continue to be strengthened. I pray that the evidence of His faithfulness and mercy will be so abundant that it can’t be denied. I also really, really hope that you get to go to Relevant. I have no doubt God will get you there if He wants you there. =)

    Reply
    • I love that image, Amber. I think that will stay with me for a long, long time. I get that I don’t trust fully, but the whole picture you painted here–I get that and I long for the day that I can just relax in His arms.

      Reply
  2. I really wish I could give you a big hug right now. I’m glad you are reaching out. It’s the hardest thing for me to do too! I’ll be praying for you to find the support you need to make it to Relevant 11 this year.

    Reply

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