*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well
I call this my Jesus dream…though it was really as far from a dream and closer to reality than I’ve ever experienced.
I knew very little Jesus and the Bible at this time in my life.
Friday, May 14, 2004.
(3rd POV) Everything was blank-paper white. I was waiting in a very long, single-file line. I could see everyone in line. I was near the front. There was no sense of urgency or anxiety. No one was talking. Everyone was facing forward and not moving much at all. We all took one step forward when the first person in line entered the doorway. I was next.
I entered the doorway and everything was still blank white. I walked. I knew the way. Though everything was still blank white, without definition, I had to weave my way through a labyrinth of sorts. I couldn’t see with my eyes that there were turns, but as I was walking, I would just know to turn left, walk a couple of steps and turn left again and then a final left before turning right and an immediate left and I entered into color. I wasn’t just looking at or seeing colorful things, I was part of the color. Almost as if I was a particle in a sunset. I felt a sense of serenity, calm. I had arrived. I was looking around, the colors were spectacular and there was an energy in my body from experiencing this color. I could hear a distant waterfall to my left. The colors of the sunset were now gone and I seemed to be in some sort of tropical paradise. Flowing waterfall, river, flowers, beauty everywhere. I knew what I was there for. Even when I was waiting in line, I knew. But I didn’t know why.
(Switch to 1st POV) Then I sensed Him. He was leaning up against a tree with his head resting on His knees, sleeping. I walked slowly so as not to disturb Him. I was a couple of feet from Him when He opened His eyes. I fell to my knees and my arms were in front of me on the ground, never breaking eye-contact with Him. I was startled and calm at the same time. An overwhelming sense of anxiety and peace swept through me. It was Him!
We spoke without opening our mouths at first. “Are you ok?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, “I was resting. I was memorizing what my Father would have me say.” (But I knew he was not memorizing what he would say to me–but to “them”)
“I’m sorry I disturbed you.”
“I knew you were coming.” And He smiled.
I was with Him a very long time.
(Back to 3rd POV) He was sitting on the ground with his arms now wrapped around his legs. I was opposite Him. There was a long (very long) period of time where we are talking and I’m experiencing this from 3rd pov and I’m not privy to the conversation. A very, very, very long time.
(Back to 1st POV) He touched me. He touched my arm. He reached out with His right arm and wrapped His hand around my left are just above the elbow.
And I knew.
The touch took my breath away and knocked me back a bit. He knew this would happen as His grip tightened before I was knocked off balance. I gasped and all the while still stared into His eyes. We stayed like this a long time.
I knew everything I was supposed to know. It was an immediate transfer of knowledge, understanding, wisdom, everything. With just one touch. I was entranced and awestruck.
With His hand still holding my arm, He stood and gently led me to do the same. He hugged me and then stood back a bit, this time, both hands on my arms. He looked me in the eye and said, “Now go.” His voice was gentle, almost a whisper. And He smiled.
I took a deep breath. I did not want to leave, but I knew I’d see Him again. And I knew that He had given me instructions and knowledge and wisdom and authority.
* * *
Telling my (former) pastor about this dream led to accusations of heresy. I was brought before the leadership team (and their wives) and every one of them recounted all the ways I might have been unbiblical. My husband and I left that church February 20, 2006. Two days later, my uncle (more like my brother) committed suicide and my family wanted that pastor to officiate. I called him, telling him I wanted no part of him, but my family was asking for him and it was his choice. He came. He ministered to my family. I tried to reconcile and he would have nothing to do with it.
This is the short version. The long version is so very painful.
The good news is that Jesus wins. I serve a great a might God, Yahweh, who does still come in dreams. Who is the living God. He is Immanuel–God with us.
And even when men (and women) get in the way…maybe we need to be reminded of God’s response to Job?
Where were you when I established the earth?
Who enclosed the sea behind doors when it burst from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and thick darkness its blanket, when I determined its boundaries and put [its] bars and doors in place, when I declared: “You may come this far, but no farther; your proud waves stop here”?
Have you ever in your life commanded the morning or assigned the dawn its place, so it may seize the edges of the earth and shake the wicked out of it?
Have you traveled to the sources of the sea or walked in the depths of the oceans?
Have the gates of death been revealed to you? Have you seen the gates of death’s shadow?
Can you fasten the chains of the Pleiades or loosen the belt of Orion?
Can you bring out the constellations in their season and lead the Bear and her cubs?
Do you know the laws of heaven? Can you impose its authority on earth?
Can you command the clouds so that a flood of water covers you?
Can you send out lightning bolts, and they go? Do they report to you: “Here we are”?
(and that’s just a taste of what was said.)
We think we hold the power of God in our hot little hands, doling out the “cans” and “cannots” of El Shaddai–God Almighty. We are nothing without Him. We get in the way and by the grace of His touch, He forgives us, still. We condemn people to eternal separation. We are ungrateful servants.
Jesus told the disciples a story about another ungrateful servant and the end goes like this:
“The king summoned the man and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn’t you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?’ The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt. And that’s exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn’t forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy.”
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God.
I don’t want to do what I do out of fear, and I don’t. But some act as if there is nothing to fear…