Questioning God

*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well

I questioned God’s prompting to write yesterday’s post.  I kinda maybe told him I didn’t think it was the right thing to do, but in the end, I obeyed.

People ask me all the time how I know when God is speaking to me.  Here’s an example.

Yesterday, I felt compelled and overwhelmed (imagine a sense of urgency) to write out my story.  When it was finished, I felt this calm, this sense of utter peace.  And then this morning something else happened.

I’m reading the Bible chronologically on a one year reading plan. I was a couple days behind, so I sat with my coffee and got caught up. Several verses made my heart skip a beat–or that’s the best analogy I can come up with to explain what it feels like when God is reaching out his Holiness and squeezing my heart gently saying Listen to this. This if for you. Today.

Then God said to me: “Jeremiah (Michelle,) even if Moses and Samuel stood here and made their case, I wouldn’t feel a thing for this people. Get them out of here. Tell them to get lost! And if they ask you, ‘So where do we go?’ tell them God says, “‘If you’re assigned to die, go and die; if assigned to war, go and get killed; If assigned to starve, go starve; if assigned to exile, off to exile you go!’

and I was all: Wow. God was really angry. But can I blame Him? I mean He brought them out of slavery and they complained that they’d rather be slaves, and He gave them food, and they wanted different food, and then they prostituted themselves with other gods relentlessly.

I thought about what that means today (spiritually speaking.) He brings us out of slavery (overcoming death) and He gives us nourishment (His Word) and yet, we are prostitutes as well. God is not most important in most people’s lives. To be honest, he’s an afterthought much of the time. We chase money, cars, houses, jobs, fame–and the implication of that? What does it mean to prostitute ourselves out?  We sell our private parts for material things. We stand on the street corners flashing our tits so the Johns will look over at us. We walk with a extra hip throw to entice the John. We get him, take his money, join ourselves in unholy bonds–thus implicating the Holy Spirit in our transgressions, and we walk away on the prowl. Like a druggie looking for the next hit.

Go ahead. Pretend you’re better than that.  That’s called pride. Sure. Some people are worse than others, but we’ve all done it. I try not to. But I know I have (and it makes my heart sick.) I thought about how all this pertains to the post I wrote yesterday, the situation behind it, the lies, the deception, the pretending.  Sometimes, like Jeremiah, I’d rather not speak knowing the reverberations it will cause. Jeremiah even goes so far as to say he wished he wasn’t born. That’s a lot of back talking to God. And it’s exactly how I whine and complain and try to get around saying what He leads me to say.

Then I got to this next part:

This is how God answered me:
“Take back those words, and I’ll take you back. Then you’ll stand tall before me. Use words truly and well. Don’t stoop to cheap whining. Then, but only then, you’ll speak for me. Let your words change them. Don’t change your words to suit them. I’ll turn you into a steel wall, a thick steel wall, impregnable. They’ll attack you but won’t put a dent in you because I’m at your side, defending and delivering.” God’s Decree. “I’ll deliver you from the grip of the wicked. I’ll get you out of the clutch of the ruthless.”

“But blessed is the man who trusts me, God, the woman who sticks with God. They’re like trees replanted in Eden, putting down roots near the rivers— Never a worry through the hottest of summers, never dropping a leaf, Serene and calm through droughts, bearing fresh fruit every season.

“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.”

and then there was that sense of calm again. no more anxiety, no more worry. I obeyed. He answered my fears.

What are your fears? And are you listening closely enough to hear the answer??

2 thoughts on “Questioning God”

  1. Because of opening our heart and souls to people we thought were our closest friends only to be turned on my fear is to ever join a small group again….not of Christians anyway


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