Feeble Prayers

*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
 

Even when people I love commit suicide

I Still Believe.
 
I’ve never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start
Even when best friends die of breast cancer
I Still Believe.
 
But its now I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
When grandmas find their youngest sons, dead by their own hand…when those grandmas slip into dementia and mini-strokes overtake them, even when special grandmas die
I Still Believe.
 
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
 
When moms have brain tumors and lymphoma and when prognosis looks good and things are hopeful hopeful. Even then, when she dies anyway
I Still Believe.
 
Even when answers slowly unwind
It’s my heart I see you prepare
When friends…people who call themselves friends, kick me while I’m down and knowingly inflict unbearable pain
I Still Believe.
 
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
When I run away from home because I’m too pissed off to be around “friends”
I Still Believe.
 
The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers
When You say in no uncertain terms, “Go back to your friend. Put up with her abuse.” I understand you are Jehovah Roi, the God Who Sees Me
I Still Believe.
 
In brokenness I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near
When I submit to Your authority and go back–and I hit a fawn still new with spots and it flies in the air and smashes down on the top of my car and I see it hit the road in the rearview mirror. Even when I see it’s mama right behind it. Even when the pain is too great to bear and I can’t see through my tears
I Still Believe.
 
I still believe in your faithfulness
 
I still believe in your truth
 
I still believe in Your Holy Word
 
Even when I don’t see
 
I Still Believe.
 
 
 

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6 thoughts on “Feeble Prayers”

  1. I hope all is ok. I mean, I know all is NOT ok right now, but you, I hope you are on your way to *more* ok. 🙂

    Steph

    Reply
  2. This reminds me of "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns. It's a song that helped me get through my battle with cancer, and through the hard times after when it seemed no one would ever understand what I'd been through. All I know is if you continue to believe–and even if you don't–God will continue to be by your side in all this.

    No prayer is ever feeble, either. God knows your heart, and your pain, and He hears your prayers loud and clear.

    I pray you feel His presence ever stronger!

    Reply
  3. Oh honey, I didn't know there was MORE, but I guess there always is huh? I'm proud of you for continuing to choose to believe- you are protecting your heart and spirit and you will see the fruit from that. xoxo

    Reply
  4. Michelle,

    This just moved me to tears. Your faith and love for God reminds me of my own. Your life story of pain, reminds me of mine. I feel like I've met my blogging soul mate.

    Even when my father beat my mother, I still believed. Even when my brother tried to suffocate me, I still believe. Even when said brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I still believed. Even when said brother killed his best friend, I still believed. Even when my mother tried to kill herself, not once but twice, I still believed. Even now when I'm fighting a disease that could kill, and at the very least damage the quality of my life, I still believe.

    I'll always believe.

    Just like you.

    Hugs!!!

    Nell
    @nelltaliercio

    Reply

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