*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well
Something is happening though there are no answers this second. This is not in hindsight, not me telling you a story from the past, but as my two dreams suggested, this is the past and the present at once.
First, what’s happening right now.
A dear friend of mine emailed me this morning. I’m just going to copy and paste so you can see how it evolved.
Friend: Good morning..
Ok, this is strange..weird. I had a very vivid dream last night but cannot remeber what it was. I can feel “anxiety” maybe fear this morning . What I do know was that in the dream I needed to get to you to either interpret what was going on IN the dream (events, people, signs) or interpret the dream itself. Understand? I have this overwhelming feeling about YOU..not sure what it is. im not crazy…
Me: Not crazy at all. Have you been reading my dreams and interpretations online the past week? It’s what I do. 🙂
Do you remember anything else? Remember everything you can and get it down here.
Friend: It’s hard to type on phone as fast as i can describe my gut feeling. invasion, evil, lots of confusion, running but you’re in this feeling..thats what i feel this morning. Strange for me to dream like that. Hiding,deceive the masses…me running with a child holding its hand.
Me: If it’s an overwhelming sense of evil and invasion like you’re saying and it’s directed totally at me–strong enough that you feel like you have to warn me…my gut says that the Holy Spirit is working in this. I am typically aware when there’s a spiritual battle going on in my life, maybe this dream is to warn me that this one might be pretty bad?
Let me tell you what’s been going on in my life. I’ve been doing a LOT of art. Some of it has been sold. A local coffee shop owner asked for some of it to hang at the coffee shop. Some of it is for my friend/business partner who does prayers for boys, raising your boys on the Word of God. The ones that I’ve been doing for her are called The Warrior Prayer Series. They’re my funky backgrounds with a verse written for your son. For example, instead of the verse saying, “I know the plans I have for you…” it would say, “For You Lord, know the plans you have for my son…” So that moms pray over their sons with these verses. I’ve also scheduled one Visual Prayer workshop in February and JUST started talking last night with a girl who wants me to come to Colorado in the fall. She wants to plan a Visual Prayer retreat weekend. Also, the literary journal I run is struggling, and I’ve been holding weekly meetings with the staff to attempt to revive it. We’re starting a fundraising campaign on Valentine’s Day-Tax Day.
Another friend emailed me last night to say that she had such an overwhelming feeling about me last night that she came to the computer to email and found that I had emailed her. It was about the Visual Prayer retreat in Colorado. She’s also the same friend that KNEW when I was being attacked spiritually when my mom was dying. I’d have a bad, bad day and get a voice mail from her saying, “I just need to pray for you.” and she’d pray and I’d save the voice mail and listen to it over and over and over when I needed to know someone really was there for me. I know a lot of people were praying, but to hear that meant so much.
SO. I would say that there really is evil lurking–ready to pounce. And I bet I’m about to experience a spiritual battle of force.
I want to think about the dream you had. I want to pray about it. Somehow, we’re in this together.
Friend: OMG…overwhelming chills..goosebumps. Overwhelmimg feelimg for you. WTH Im bawling…
Me: You holding a child’s hand and running might indicate innocence, things not known. For example, you’re running, holding this child’s hand, that would mean that you’re trying to keep the child from danger, since the dream seems to be very dangerous and evil. It could mean that you’re telling me about this evil and I’m sitting here clueless, not knowing there’s a battle swirling all around me. Since this is your dream about me, it also indicates that you’re in danger of the same evil. Especially if what I just said about you leading me/telling me is true.
Those are all very strong words. And of course, most often, those are the feelings that come along with a spiritual attack.
My devotional today says this:
I am above all things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in the ever-changing world. When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with Me in heavenly realms. This is the way of Peace, living in the Light of My Presence. I guarantee that you will always have your problem sin this life, but they must not become your focus. When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say, “Help me, Jesus!” and I will draw you back to Me. If you have to say that thousands of times daily, don’t be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place.
Ephesians 2:6 For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus.
Matthew 14:28-32 Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”
Yes, come,” Jesus said.
So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”
When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped.
I didn’t look at those passages before I wrote them here and looked them up. I have to tell you, the one about Peter walking on water? That is a passage that means something to me from my past. I think I understand what is going on. I need to process this.
Friend: DEEP. If I recall any other details as the day progresses, I’ ll email you and you do the same. Facebook..if you want to post, go ahead just leave me unnamed. Xox hugs
Me: I will post. I think I need to. Thank you for telling me your dream. It means a LOT. (((love you)))
I start writing about my past here. I write about my dreams and my interpretations. Last night and this morning, out of the blue, two good friends urgently contact me. My friend last night said, “I was watching a tv show on my iPad, stopped it because you were on my mind so strongly, and came here to write you.”
Peter getting out of the boat to walk on water with Christ brings a memory heaving itself to the forefront of my mind. January 2006. I wrote about it here. It’s when God brought me to my knees to tell me that I should be writing.
It’s also when the shit hit the fan at my previous church. The pastor didn’t like that I had dreams and set out to expel me from his congregation.
It’s also when my uncle committed suicide.
It’s when the biggest battles of my life occurred. ALL at the same time. I don’t understand what that has to do with the present, though.
Am I afraid? I believe so.
Others might pass these things off as coincidence. I know better. This is how God speaks to me (to us) in situations. Not only has the Holy Spirit been speaking to me in my sleep state, but now also in my waking life. And I’m listening. Trying to listen, anyway. I’m not certain what’s being said.
I’m sharing it here because I feel like I started this journey here, in public, and I should show God’s fingerprints.
Spiritual battles are as old as time. There is evil everywhere and I have seen more than many. I’ve come face to face with it and it is ugly. I’ll face it until God reaches down and to call me to my eternal home.
Several believe that if you do something good for God, Satan will block your path. I believe that, too. To a certain extent. But in my heart, I know that gives Satan way too much credit. The truth is, as in the very first passage of Job, that Satan has to ask permission and nothing gets by God. It’s also true, as in the book of Daniel, that sometimes God sends a message through an angel and battles ensue.
(side note: as I was writing this post out, my internet went out. Luckily, I copied and pasted it in Word before I lost the post. Which is probably a message to write everything where it can be saved. LOL)
Reading Daniel 9 and 10 though—these things stick out:
While I was praying, Gabriel, the man I had seen in the first vision, came to me in my extreme weariness…He gave me this explanation, “I’ve come now to give you understanding. At the beginning of your petitions, and answer went out, and I have come to give it, for you are treasured by God.”
“Only I, Daniel, saw the vision…I was left alone, looking at this great vision. No strength was left in me; my face grew deathly pale, and I was powerless. I heard the words he said, and when I heard them I fell into a deep sleep, with my face to the ground. Suddenly, a hand touched me and raised me to my hands and knees. He said to me, “Daniel, you are a man treasured by God. Understand the words that I’m saying to you. Stand on your feet, for I have now been sent to you. After he said this to me, I stood trembling.
“don’t be afraid, Daniel,” he said to me, “for from the first day that you purposed to understand and to humble yourself before your God, your prayers were heard. I have come because of your prayers.”
While he was saying these words to me, I turned my face toward the ground and was speechless. Suddenly one with human likeness touched my lips. I opened my mouth and said to the one standing in front of me, “My lord, because of the vision, I am overwhelmed and powerless. How can someone like me, your servant, speak with someone like you, my lord? Now I have no strength, and there is no breath in me.”
Then the one with human likeness touched me again and strengthened me. He said, “don’t be afraid, you who are treasured by God. Peace to you; be very strong.”
Those verses coupled with the passage about Peter walking on water with Jesus take me (again) back to another time. I want to share with you my dream about Jesus.
This is out of my journal:
Friday, May 14, 2004.
(3rd POV) Everything was blank-paper white. I was waiting in a very long, single-file line. I could see everyone in line. I was near the front. There was no sense of urgency or anxiety. No one was talking. Everyone was facing forward and not moving much at all. We all took one step forward when the first person in line entered the doorway. I was next.
I entered the doorway and everything was still blank white. I walked. I knew the way. Though everything was still blank white, without definition, I had to weave my way through a labyrinth of sorts. I couldn’t see with my eyes that there were turns, but as I was walking, I would just know to turn left, walk a couple of steps and turn left again and then a final left before turning right and an immediate left and I entered into color. I wasn’t just looking at or seeing colorful things, I was part of the color. Almost as if I was a particle in a sunset. I felt a sense of serenity, calm. I had arrived. I was looking around, the colors were spectacular and there was an energy in my body from experiencing this color. I could hear a distant waterfall to my left. The colors of the sunset were now gone and I seemed to be in some sort of tropical paradise. Flowing waterfall, river, flowers, beauty everywhere. I knew what I was there for. Even when I was waiting in line, I knew. But I didn’t know why.
(Switch to 1st POV) Then I sensed Him. He was leaning up against a tree with his head resting on His knees, sleeping. I walked slowly so as not to disturb Him. I was a couple of feet from Him when He opened His eyes. I fell to my knees and my arms were in front of me on the ground, never breaking eye-contact with Him. I was startled and calm at the same time. An overwhelming sense of anxiety and peace swept through me. It was Him!
We spoke without opening our mouths at first. “Are you ok?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, “I was resting. I was memorizing what my Father would have me say.” (But I knew he was not memorizing what he would say to me–but to “them”)
“I’m sorry I disturbed you.”
“I knew you were coming.” And He smiled.
I was with Him a very long time.
(Back to 3rd POV) He was sitting on the ground with his arms now wrapped around his legs. I was opposite Him. There was a long (very long) period of time where we are talking and I’m experiencing this from 3rd pov and I’m not privy to the conversation. A very, very, very long time.
(Back to 1st POV) He touched me. He touched my arm. He reached out with His right arm and wrapped His hand around my left are just above the elbow.
And I knew.
The touch took my breath away and knocked me back a bit. He knew this would happen as His grip tightened before I was knocked off balance. I gasped and all the while still stared into His eyes. We stayed like this a long time.
I knew everything I was supposed to know. It was an immediate transfer of knowledge, understanding, wisdom, everything. With just one touch. I was entranced and awestruck.
With His hand still holding my arm, He stood and gently led me to do the same. He hugged me and then stood back a bit, this time, both hands on my arms. He looked me in the eye and said, “Now go.” His voice was gentle, almost a whisper. And He smiled.
I took a deep breath. I did not want to leave, but I knew I’d see Him again. And I knew that He had given me instructions and knowledge and wisdom and authority.
I went back to yesterday’s passage from My Utmost for His Highest. It says:
We look for visions from heaven and for earthshaking events to see God’s power. Even the fact that we are dejected is proof that we do this. Yet we never realize that all the time God is at work in our everyday events and in the people around us. If we will only obey, and do the task that He has placed closest to us, we will see Him. One of the most amazing revelations of God comes to us when we learn that it is in the everyday things of life that we realize the magnificent deity of Jesus Christ.
A passage from yesterday’s Jesus Calling:
Come to Me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for me to take charge of your life.
Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different. Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time. Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to Me, letting me guide you through the many choices along your pathway.
This sounds like an easy assignment, but it is not. Your desire to live in My Presence goes against the grain of “the world, the flesh, and the devil.” Much of your weariness results from your constant battle against these opponents. However, you are on the path of My choosing, so do not give up! Hope in Me, for you will again praise Me for the help of My Presence.
(sidenote: internet came back on, I Googled another Bible verse and it went out again. Came back on and see a Twitter about Relief’s website being saved by Coach Culbertson. Something is happening. Big Time.)
To be continued… because this is already too long and I’m not finished figuring it out and there are SO many pieces just flying in my face right now.