*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well
This same time last year, I didn’t think it was possible to ever be whole or completely healed.
The ripping apart of a soul doesn’t ever go away, it’s never forgotten. It’s as much a reality as my birthday, only worse. Even if I never knew the date of my birth, it would still be there and no matter what technique I employed, it wouldn’t ever go away or be forgotten. You don’t think about your birthday every day of the year, but there are times you do and especially close to the date. It’s like that with trauma. And so it is in my life. The abuse can’t be erased or forgotten, and while I’ve forgiven, I’m not healed.
I was wrong.
And I’ll probably lose some friends over this, but I’ve lost friends before. My story is always honest, if nothing else.
Last year I talked a lot about God and Jesus. I came from a disgruntled question-asker’s place. I knew there had to be more than what American Evangelicals preached, but didn’t know how to reconcile my truth with the low vibration I was surrounded with in “the church.”
I kept comparing my abuse history with things the church did/does and how it all looked like abuse to me. For example, people who call themselves Christians say with their mouths that that Jesus loves everyone, but they discriminate constantly. (hint: that’s not love.) But the things Jesus did/said resonated with me and I do believe he is Love, just as God is Love. Today I understand this more as: there is no fear but the fear we create. Love is all that exists once we stop creating fear.
When I learned that, I realized that I was never separated from God–Jesus–Spirit–Source–the Universe.
I was never separated.
It’s a quantum physics, multi-verse realm from here on out. Which means, I’m not sure if I can even explain (yet) what I’m experiencing. If I am part spirit (which I am) that means I’m part eternal (which I am) but I reside in an earthly body and have access to the things of the body (flesh) as well as the things of the spirit (eternal.) In accessing things of the spirit, I am privy to the universe that knows no limits of time, therefore, I have access to all things (that we know of as) time–past, present, and future. Which means healing can (and does) occur on a whole new level…the level of spirit.
For me that all means that I had to “visit” the spirit realm with the help of a spirit guide to come to an understanding (or awakening.)
I’ve learned a lot about energy. Energy is transferred.