Fuckin’ Perfect

Brave. I’ve been hearing that a lot lately in regards to both my professional life and my private, personal life. Yet I sit here and my eyes overfill and pain spills down my face. I listen to this and I tell myself I am not what they say I am. I can ignore it for a long time. I can … Read More

2 years.

*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then … Read More

They Lied

It doesn’t get easier with time. I still dread this day. It’s been 5 years now. Suicide never, ever, ever gets easier to deal with. The grief is so personal and deep and it fucking never stops hurting. and it’s not easy to watch what has happened to everyone I love , everyone who loved you, since the suicide. the … Read More

The Jim Mug

Sometimes, when you meet a girlfriend, you just know. That was Jill. We met in 1998. She was my labor coach because Phil was on the road. She was the only one with me when Zane was born. We spent New Year’s Eve 1999 together, my son’s first and New Year’s Eve 2007 together, her last. So I sit here … Read More

Six Months

Six months today and it’s not any easier. I wish the Amazing Grace felt a little more graceful right now. Maybe it does, maybe I’m just too numb to know it.

Bad days ahead

Tomorrow my brother and sister and I are going to spread and distribute my mom’s ashes.  I still don’t know that it has sunk in that my mom is in a box right now. All of her. And we have to divvy her up. ugh. Tuesday would have been her birthday. We’re leaving for vacation and happier days Thursday. I … Read More

Ticking off the Time

So. It’s been a month since this. And I don’t know what to say. Because it doesn’t feel real yet.


It doesn’t feel right to post again now. To move the last post down the list and eventually into the archives. Because then it feels like I’m moving mom into the archives. Along with Uncle Ed, Jill, and grandma. It doesn’t feel right that her place should be amongst them. But it didn’t feel right when they first passed either. … Read More

The Shit Shovel

There’s this shovel in my office with a post-it note on it. I think it’s probably an ash-shovel for a fireplace. Or something like that because it’s just shy of two feet long. And no, I did not just dig in my desk drawer for a measuring tape so I could walk across the room and measure it because I’m … Read More

The Odds of Luck

They’re pressed in many books I have no intention of ever discarding. Given to me on such a regular basis, I took for granted their rarity. She’d tip-toe through my yard as if walking a tight-rope, even though the yard was nothing but weeds and rocks. She’d bend in half like a ballerina and go right to them, they must … Read More