*A note before you read this. After doing an audit of my blog in 2022, I have decided to leave content that speaks to the Christian I was at the time this was written. I no longer identify as Christian (and haven’t for a very long time.) I chose to leave these posts because it is who I was then and it is important to me to be honest and true with every iteration and evolution of self that I experience. I may decide to add comments to the end of posts like this as well
4 years ago today I created my first Visual Prayer.
2 years ago today, I sang Amazing Grace to my mom as she took her last breath on this earth.
today is difficult. this whole week has been challenging. we almost lost dad. it was so close, i couldn’t think of anything except how are we (my brother and sister and I) going to hold it together if we have to bury dad the same week we lost mom?
I’m sorry I didn’t have more faith. I’ve asked God’s forgiveness over and over for that this week. “I believe, help me in my unbelief!”
After we knew dad was making a pretty miraculous recovery, A friend said something about answered prayers. I thought to myself, this hasn’t happened before. This recovery is a new thing for me. The list of very close friends and family members I’ve lost in the last 6 years is staggering. I think I counted 9. Jill, Sara, Uncle Ed, Grandma, Mom, Phil’s Dad, Grandpa Jack, Grandma Schalk, and Grandma Barnes. Almost 2 a year. When dad was intubated I’m sorry to admit I didn’t even think recovery was an option.
And so today is…bittersweet.
Grieving my mom in a way I haven’t experienced. Watching my dad reach for my sister’s hand the way he did mom’s was so touching. I’m glad my sister can be his comfort. He and I haven’t had that kind of relationship. My mom and I never had that relationship. I distanced myself and pushed away for most of my life. And on top of the grieving, so relieved that dad is ok. Amazed that he didn’t die. I’m exhausted physically and mentally and truthfully cannot process yet what just happened.
Reading this post again again and trying to remember to count the blessings not dwell in the pain.